How Quinn Fabray Helped Herself
by IrisAyumi
Summary: When Quinn saw that everything was falling apart around her, she knew she needed help to fix it. Will the ultimate self-help book help her to transform her life? Eventual Faberry.
1. Introduction: Martha Beck

**AN: New story everyone! I'm not sure how long the chapters of this thing are going to be, but I think that they'll be longer than the introduction, since the introduction is just setting things up! :) if you enjoyed it, hated it, didn't think anything of it, have something you want to see, something you don't want to see, something you want to say, something you don't want to say, anything really, leave a review! To say that they are greatly appreciated would be an understatement - they are the thing that makes a writer push through when they're stuck. Hope you like it. Enjoy the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything.**

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><p><strong>Introduction - Martha Beck<strong>

Quinn Fabray was not proud.

This was strange, because Quinn Fabray had always been proud. Proud to be a Fabray, proud to be a daddy's girl, proud to be the first one in her class who knew how to ride a bike, proud to be the first one in her class who could read, proud to be going to High School, proud to be made Head Cheerio, and proud of whatever she would make of her life. However, last year, her pride had ended, and the era of shame had begun.

Ashamed to be pregnant, ashamed to have cheated on her boyfriend, ashamed to be kicked off the cheerio's, ashamed to be in Glee because she had nobody else, ashamed to be homeless, ashamed to be Quinn Fabray; the prime example of how the mighty can fall.

_Not this year though. _No, Quinn knew better. This was a brand new year. A brand new start, without a baby, with a home, she was going to figure her life out again.

Junior year was supposed to be her knew start. She'd wanted to be independent. No more drama with Finn or Puck, but focusing on getting back on top again. Being back at the Cheerio's had been the first goal she had reached in a long time, and Quinn Fabray loved setting goals for herself to reach. But before she knew it, she was back at square one. Without a baby, thank god, but again with a boyfriend whom she cheated on. Again without the Cheerio's. And although it had been her own choice, she wasn't sure she was happy with it anymore.

She'd done something wrong, somewhere. Otherwise, she would have been crowned Prom Queen, and Finn wouldn't have broken up with her. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

So Quinn was going for another fresh start.

Except that she didn't know where to start.

Quinn had lost herself. Quinn Fabray was lost. And she didn't know how to find herself again. After everything that had gone down in her life, she didn't know anything anymore.

She wasn't sure what she wanted, she wasn't sure what she needed, she wasn't sure who she was.

So shame had kicked in again when she realized one thing: she needed help. One thing she was sure of, was that she hated help and most definitely did not want it. However, she did need it.

If Quinn Fabray was going to get help she damn well wasn't going to come crawling to any adult from Lima. The fact that they still lived here was proof enough that their advise wasn't worth a dime. She also wasn't going to talk to some kind of therapist, because she wasn't insane, she was just a little lost. And she wasn't going to get any good help from anyone from school - she sure as hell wanted to avoid _that - _so it had to be a stranger. A secret, that she could hide easily.

A self-help book. 

She'd driven 2 hours to find a bookshop that wasn't owned by Artie's dad and now she was staring at a stack of self-help books with titles so incredibly unattractive that they were making her re-think her decision.

**"Martha St. Cloud - How I Bettered My Life With Pilates"**

**"John Paul Johnson - Kama Sutra for the Soul"**

**"Don't Worry Be Happy - A Cheerful Guide For The Bipolar And Clinically Depressed!"**

**"Guru Pitka - I Know You Are, But What Am I?  
><strong>

**"How I Found My Way Back From Addictions (5 times) - Lindsay Lohan"**

**"Suicide - A Positive Approach by Glen Coco"**

"Oh, for Gods sake," Quinn muttered. She didn't need any of those people. She probably needed every good self-help book in the world, and it still wouldn't be enough. That's when _the_ book caught her eye.

**_Tom Butler-Bowdon - 50 self-help classics; 50 inspirational books to transform your life._**

It wasn't _that _big - maybe 300 pages? - and Quinn picked it up to look inside. The list of names was long - 50 names long - and she realized that this book contained all the books she needed. It had the Bible, and Marces Aurelius, and Emerson and Thomas Moore and Deepak Chopra... it had every kind of wisdom, stored inside.

She opened the book and was met with "Martha Beck" in bold, black print.

**"Finding your own North Star; claiming the life you were meant to live."**

_"Listen carefully: Your family of origin does not know how to get you to your North Star. They didn't when you were little, they don't now, and they never will.  
>People whose families were accepting and supportive have to face the fact that familial love can't take them all the way towards their right lives."<em>

The quote made her take a deep breath. Obviously, this was written for her. And the idea of 49 more lessons that applied to her so directly was very appealing. Maybe 50 people would know how to help her. 50 people could solve her problems, right?

In 3 pages, there was a summary of everything you needed to know about Martha Beck - whom Quinn had never heard of - and anything relevant she had written - it wasn't a history class, no ridiculous trivia, but short and to the point. Just the way Quinn liked it, no endless babbling about making the world a better place by doing more yoga.

On the bottom of the page, she found what truly won her over. If a thorough 3 page summary was too long for you, you always had tie 'in a nutshell'.

**"In a nutshell: the book for you if you feel like your life has taken a wrong turn."**

She knew this was it. Her best shot. 50 self-help books, 50 famous writers, 50 lessons. If this wouldn't change her life, nothing would.

She'd do them all - she'd try every trick in the book, because Quinn Fabray was desperate. Her hunger for change had turned into starvation, and she needed so badly to break out of her life and leave last year behind. She was willing to try anything. Even if it came in a package of 50 things. Well, the more she tried, the higher her chances of success were. Her Fabray-determination genes were officially in motion; she was going to do this, do it the best anyone had ever done it, and finish it with success.

_This _**will **_be the first day of the rest of my life._

She paid with a blush on her face and looking down, just in case it actually was somebody who knew someone in Lima. This life, this shame about everything, it needed to stop. Quinn was ready to change her life. To flip it upside down and then turn it back around. She was ready, so ready.

Or so she hoped.


	2. James Allen

**AN: Hey hey! Thank you so much for all the awesome emails of all the story alerts and stuff! I'm gonna try and update daily for as long as I can, and as often as possible anyway, but I really am just making this up as I go along :) still hope it's good and a little likeable ^^ enjoy the chapter!**

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><p>It was Monday morning, and Quinn's alarm clock produced an annoying beeping noise at regular intervals. When Quinn woke up, she flayed her arms wildly until she found her alarm clock and turned it off.<p>

She got out of bed and opened her curtains, allowing the barely-there sunlight to touch her face. With a smile, she went for her book and opened it at chapter 2, after Martha Beck. What would be her lesson of the day?

"James Allen - As A Man Thinketh (1902)"

_"Good thoughts and actions can never produce bad results; bad thoughts and actions can never produce good results … We understand this law in the natural world, and work with it; but few understand it in the mental and moral world—although its operation there is just as simple and undeviating— and they, therefore, do not cooperate with it."_

It sounded beautiful, but only when Quinn read the 'in a nutshell' she truly understood what this man was trying to teach her. In a nutshell.

"We don't attract what we want, but what we are," she read aloud in a soft voice. "only by changing our thoughts will you change your life."

Now, _that _made sense. If she changed to what she wanted to surround her, things around her would change. It sounded really stupid, but it would probably work. What should she change?

After spending extra long picking out her clothes for the day - what would be a good outfit for her to change in what she wanted her surroundings to be? - she finally settled on a red and white summer dress, the colors reminding her of the Cheerio's.

It was a little chilly for a summer dress, but Ohio was always a little chilly for a summer dress. It didn't stop any of the girls from wearing skirts in December.

Should she change her step? No, probably not. She had a rather confident pace all by herself. She put on heels for extra effect, though. Just to be sure.

The clicking of her heels announced her impending presence before she entered the livingroom, where her mother was sipping coffee and reading a magazin and Quinn saw her breakfast standing on the kitchen table - cornflakes.

Judy Fabray looked up, and a small, tight smile played around the older woman's lips.

"Goodmorning, sweetie. Did you sleep well?"  
>"Yeah, sure." Quinn said. She didn't even try with her mother anymore. As long as things didn't get too awkward and her mother didn't kick her out again, she'd shut her mouth and be happy.<p>

After her mother had kicked out her father, they'd been forced to move to a smaller place and her mother had started working more. Quinn didn't mind, she actually prefered it if her mother wasn't home. She missed her father. Well, she mostly missed having a father around. She had no idea where he was living or what he was doing right now, or even if he was still in Lima at all.

Quinn started gulping down her breakfast at a sickeningly quick pace.

"Good. Anything special going on today?"

_I'm changing my life._

"Just the usual."

"Oh, okay honey. Do you have Glee club today?"

"Yes, I do."

When thinking of her childhood, she remembered having such a good bond with her father. Better than even her sister had. It wasn't until they grew up that Quinn had seen that her dad wasn't flawless.

She never had anything to worry about though, if she stuck to what he wanted and expected her to be. And she wanted nothing more than to become that person, to be everything and more that her dad wanted her to be.

Her bond with her mother was pretty hopeless, now more than ever. She didn't know what her mother wanted from her. She used to want the same thing as her dad - for Quinn to grow up as a real Fabray.

Was that what she was supposed to change?

She put her dishes in the sink after gulping down her last spoonful of milk-drowned Cheerios and grabbed her bag and her keys, before stopping in the doorway and turning back to Judy.

"Actually, I'm not sure. Maybe I don't have Glee today."

"Okay, that's fine."

Quinn hesitated, but muttered: "Bye mom," and fought the urge to slam the door behind her.

Quinn spent her lunch break studying everyone in the cafeteria carefully. Every table, every clique. She didn't sit at any table, she just stood in the doorway.

Brittany waved at her from their usual table, the people in Glee who were, or at least used to be, still kind of popular. Brittany, Santana, - if they weren't off doing "other things" - Puck, - if _he _wasn't doing "other things" - Finn, Sam, Mike, and previously Matt.

However, the fact that everyone dated everyone meant that there was an ongoing switching of positions with the "less popular Gleeks" table. When Finn was dating Rachel, he sat with them.

Mike now often sat with them, because of Tina. When she'd just broken up with Sam _he _sat with them just so he wouldn't have to sit with Quinn, and so on. Now, Finn was sitting at their table to spend more time with Rachel _and _to avoid Quinn.

She looked over at the Cheerio's table - a huge table, filled with over 20 girls drinking their Sylvester-shakes. Everyone else avoided that table, scared of their combined power. Quinn knew she was more intimidating than any of them. Quinn was scary. Didn't she belong there?

Jacob Ben Israel walked dangerously close by one of the Cheerio's, and bumped her chair. She turned around and gave him a dirty look, and before he had a chance to run away, he'd been hit with a slushie facial by someone from the footballer's table.

It was in that moment that Quinn made up her mind.

"I'm quitting Glee club."

A roar of protest came from the teenagers opposite her, and even Mr. Shue allowed himself a stunned: "What?"

"It's time for me to focus on what I want. We don't attract what we want, but what we are. And if I want to be Prom Queen, I need to attract different people so I need to be different. I'm rejoining the Cheerio's-"

"Again? How is that even possible?" Mercedes said.

"And Coach Sylvester won't accept me if I'm in Glee club so I'm quitting Glee."

"Quinn, haven't we gone over this a million times already? Do you really think this will make you happy?"

"I got some advice," Quinn said. "and if I want to be Prom Queen, I have to surround myself with popular people. I'm sorry, mr. Shue, but until Glee gets popular you won't see me in here again."

She heard chairs scrape across the floor and saw that a couple of people had risen from their seats, among whom Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel. By the looks on their faces they were either going to burst out in song or give her a hug.

She realised that both of those things would probably make her cry - because this split felt permanent, more permanent than any of the previous had felt like - and she really didn't want _that _to happen.

"Bye."

Quinn was out before everyone had time to blink.

She shut the door behind her and felt tears prickling in her eyes, but blinked them away. She could hear people yelling and above all she could hear Rachel and Finn being blamed.

"She's just sick of the drama! And who isn't? Finn, you broke up with her and she's gone! You really think that that's a coincidence?" She heard Kurts high voice. It was quickly overpowered by Rachel's.

"Guys! There's no reason to panick. We still have 12 performers, which, of course, is enough to compete so-"

"We lost one of our best voices, there's nobody else that sounds like her! Oh my God, do you think she quit because we didn't give her solos?"

"She quit because she wants to be popular, and she can't be when she's with us! It's not that hard!" She heard Tina say.

She took a deep breath and walked away. If she wouldn't cry now, she'd be able to keep it in. Be strong now, that was what she needed to do.

Her steps were echoing in the empty hallway as she made her way to the most feared place in McKinley High - Sue Sylvesters office. She knocked 3 times.

"Come in."

_Shape up, Fabray. This isn't the moment to feel sorry for yourself. Or to be intimidated._

She strided into Sue's office with remarkable confidence, the kind that only Quinn Fabray could exude, the kind that always made Sue take her back and put her on top of the pyramid.

"Well well, if it isn't the ex-ex-ex Head Cheerio who stabbed me in the back the night of our competition. What could you possibly want from your old Coach?"

"I want back on the squad," Quinn said. "I quit Glee club, and I want back on the squad."

"Give me one good reason."

"You lost nationals without me."

"Yes, true, you and your little Glee club robbed me of my 5th consecutive win. So why should I take you back?"

"Because I'm off Glee club, and I'm better than whoever you've put on top now."

"Becky Jackson is Head Cheerio now." Sue said with a straight face.

Quinn swallowed.

"Will you be prepared to take second in command, Q?"

If it had been anyone else, she would have said no.

"Only to her. I'm not a second in command. You know that I'm a leader. But I'll do it for her."

Sue gave her a long, lingering look and Quinn tried her hardest not to blink.

"You know where the uniforms are. You're back on the squad, Q. Now get out of my office and shower until the last stench of that pack of mouth breathers has left your body."

"You won't regret this, ms. Sylvester," Quinn said, before hastily making her way out.

It was in the room behind the sacred Cheerio's lockerroom that Quinn was searching through the outfits in a closet. There were many, almost all of them size 0 or size 2. Sue Sylvester didn't do plus-size - Mercedes was the first plus-size girl to make it on the squad.

Some of the outfits were torn, ripped into pieces, some had animal-like clawings on them, and some just had a stench that Quinn could tell was never going away.

Digging her way through the red and white mass, she eventually managed to find a relatively unharmed example, and changed on the spot. She put her hair in a tight ponytail and looked down at herself.

_Was it always this short?_

The skirt didn't even reach mid-thigh this time around, but Quinn had nothing to be ashamed off, not anymore. Her legs were awesome, and it wasn't like she didn't enjoy showing them off, so she twirled and started smiling and laughing.

She stopped to admire her reflection in the mirror. In the mirror, she noticed that behind her, a short brunette girl was like, uncomfortably close to her.

She turned around again and Rachel was indeed _way _up in her grill.

"Jesus, don't ever creep up to me like that ever again, stalker. It's a miracle that I didn't smell your loser coming from across the lockerroom," Quinn said.

She felt good to be back on top, on the one hand. On the other hand, she felt a little pang of guilt at her words. She'd called Rachel a friend once. But this was the time to push through, she knew.

_We attract what we are, not what we want. Only by changing your thoughts will you change your life._

_So don't even think of taking pity on her. You wouldn't have before._

Rachel's pout didn't exactly help.

"You're making a huge mistake, Quinn."

Her name sounded like a stranger's coming from Rachel's mouth.

"I'm not. I'm doing the right thing. Everyone should do this, if it meant an end to everytyhing the Gleeks have to go through every day. It could, you know. Maybe you're the one who's making a mistake."

"I have no other choice, Quinn."

"Well, maybe you do," Quinn said, already regretting her words.

"You're thin, athletic, you dance often, which means your limbs are supple. You've got rhythm and you know how to move. Technically, that's everything the Cheerio's are about. Kurt and Mercedes made it. Ugly people don't usually get in, but your nose really isn't _that _destracting. You dated the quarterback," she finished.

_Why am I even saying these things?_

Rachel shook her head with a saddened and disappointed expression on her face.

"Even if Coach Sylvester would allow me to join, I wouldn't. I would never choose popularity as the more important thing, especially when the question is about being yourself. I understand where you're coming from, but is this really what you want?"

Quinn took a deep breath. She couldn't deal with this, not today.

"It's just not worth it."

She grabbed her uniform and stormed out without looking back.

Rachel was the one making the mistake, Quinn had to be the one who was right. She just had to be.

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><p><strong>Reviews equal virtual chocolate chip cookies! :)<strong>


	3. Steve Andreas & Charles Faulkner

**AN: Yay, guys! Loving that people are actually reading this and responding! So, new chapter. I hope you like it, hope you enjoy, and keep in mind that reviews are the best thing that could ever happen to a writer. Might not be able to update tomorrow unfortunately, due to insanely long real life day, so the next update might have to wait until Thursday. Until then, enjoy the chapter!**

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><p>Quinn walked over to her nightstand and flipped to "Steve Andreas &amp; Charles Faulkner - The New Technology of Achievement" the next morning. Achievement. Quinn liked that word. She read the quote.<p>

_"You'd be surprised at the inner images people try to use to motivate themselves._

_In their mind's eye, they see tiny, dark slides of their work being done, or a fuzzy, black-and-white picture of the reward for completing a project. _

_No wonder they're not motivated. Now, you can make a rich and compelling picture of what you want and what you value. _

_The bigger, richer, more colorful, more three-dimensional and clear, the better."_

She could work with that. She wanted to be popular, to be on top. If she envisioned herself walking the hallways and being feared by some and adored by others, she'd better envision it well.

If she'd really focus on the picture, she'd see it clearly, and when times would get hard, she'd know that _that _was what she was doing it all for.

She tried it. Quinn closed her eyes, and imagined McKinley High School. Then the hallways. She imagined herself, walking tall, slushie in her hand and the knowledge that she could throw it at anyone without consequences.

She imagined people turning heads to stare at her, only to look away if she caught them. Whispers, always whispers, but whispers in fear and awe of their queen bee. She imagined...

She couldn't imagine who she was walking with. Could she convince Santana and Brittany to re-join the Cheerio's? Who else could be her second in command?

She wouldn't be walking with a guy either. She'd hurt Sam enough already, she'd broken up with Finn and Puck was with Lauren.

But there she would be. Walking alone, but walking tall, and still clutching a slushie.

When she thought about Mercedes cowering at the sight of Quinn Fabray in optima forma she stopped herself from envisioning anymore, and fought the urge to question everything about herself again. It wouldn't do her any good, would it?

She quickly turned to the in a nutshell, and sighed when she read it.

**"In a nutshell: People work perfectly. Program new thoughts, actions and feelings and you get a new life."**

Sure, it made the human race sound a little robotic, but maybe that was better. If she'd program in new thoughts, new actions and new feelings, she wouldn't feel bad about quitting Glee anymore.

Program new thoughts, actions and feelings and you get a new life.

Could you actually do that? Do you really have control over your own thoughts or feelings? Can you force yourself NOT to think of something? Wasn't it more like, the more you try not to think of something, the more you end up thinking about it?

Quinn knew she had to try. That was the whole point, wasn't it?

She walked downstairs, and was reminded of the swooshiness of the short skirt, feeling it move around her upper thighs. It took a little while getting used to, because a girl's first thought was that her underwear might show, but Quinn knew how to fight the urge to hold her skirt down.

Just ignore it. Show what may. If you're wearing the skirt, you have a body that you don't have to be ashamed of. So don't worry about showing it.

It was still dark when she got downstairs. With Cheerio practice every morning, she had to be gone before her mother had even woken up. Now that she thought of it, she remembered that she hadn't told her mother about rejoining the Cheerio's.

She ignored the thought that others would have been excited to share such news with their parents and busied herself with making a fruit shake, her breakfast as a Cheerio.

It wasn't until the blender penetrated the silence that she once again thought of her mother, who had a bedroom located right next to the kitchen. She quickly turned of the machine, but already heard her mom rummaging around.

Quinn cussed under her breath when the door opened and a gradually widening strip of light indicated the opening of her moms bedroom. Judy Fabray walked into the kitchen, wearing a bathrobe and rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"Quinnie? What are you doing, sweetie? It's 5:30 AM. Are you sick?"

"No mom, I have Cheerio's practice. It's nothing, go back to sleep."

"Cheerio's practice? Honey, I thought you quit the Cheerio's months ago."

"I rejoined. Go back to bed mom, you don't have to get up for another hour."

"Well, I'm awake now."

And to Quinn's horrification, Judy proceeded to turn open the curtains, despite the fact that it was still dark outside, turn on the lights and walking to the coffee maker.

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"It's fine, Quinn. Didn't you quit because your coach wanted to make you quit Glee club?"  
>"Yes, but I quit Glee club yesterday, so I could rejoin the Cheerio's," Quinn said, turning on the blender again.<p>

She focused on the loud noise the machine produced to try to clear her head. This wasn't how she had planned on starting her day.

The second she turned the blender off, her mother started talking again while Quinn put the sticky contents in a large glass.

"I thought you liked being in that Glee club. Didn't you say you made some nice friends in there? I thought Brittany and Santana were in there too. And didn't you say you was so glad that that gay boy was back?"

"Well, I like being a Cheerio more."

"Is this about what happened at Prom last week?"

Quinn pursed her lips. She hadn't actually told her mother about Prom, only that she hadn't won Prom Queen. However, she couldn't be sure about what Judy had picked up around town.

Gulping down her breakfast, she thought it was probably best to get out of her house as fast as she could.

"No. I just really missed being in the Cheerio's. I gotta go, mom."

"Quinnie, are you sure? I mean, last time you quit Glee you were really unhappy, and I just want-"

"Sorry mom, I can't be late on my first day back, I really have to go now. Bye!"

She grabbed her Cheerio's bag and was gone in almost no time at all. 

Quinn was glad for the advise that her book had given her about envisioning her future clearly, because the blonde found that she often needed to remind herself of why she was doing this.

Cheerio's practice was particularly horrible that day. Despite her work out schedule, she found that she was out of shape compared to the other Cheerio's, especially when it came to her stamina. Thankfully not when it came to her drive.

Also, it was weird to be second in command, especially to the small Becky, but she found that she didn't mind that very much. What she minded more was the fact that Brittany and Santana weren't around her.

Sure, all the girls were in perfect shape and she didn't think they'd let her fall, but she didn't trust them, not like she trusted Brittany or Santana. She hadn't expected to miss them.

After Cheerio's, they thankfully had a lot of time to shower, so everyone's appearances were impeccable by the time school started. Quinn was the last one in the shower, allowing the hot water to calm her straining muscles, knowing they were going to be aching for a long time.

When she stepped out, wrapped in a towel, there was an unwarranted visitor in the locker room, for the second day in a row.

Santana Lopez was standing across from her, with crossed arms and a burning glare.

"What are you doing here, S?"

"Shouldn't I be asking that to you?"

"I told you, I rejoined."

"I know. I'm here to tell you you're going to regret it."

"Don't you think I know that? I know what I'm doing, alright? I've made up my mind, and I belong here. You can-"

"I can what exactly, Q?"

Quinn hesitated. "You can tell everyone to stop trying to convince me to come back to Glee. It's not happening."

"You sure about that? 'Cause I'm not sure if you are."

Quinn hated Santana in that moment. Her old second in command was the only one who held any kind of power whatsoever over her. Santana knew her.

"I am. I'm done with the drama, I'm done with fighting over Finn with Rachel, I'm done with being a loser."

"Hey, I'm not sure about you, but I'm not some kind of loser just because I'm in Glee. I may sing and dance and shit like that, but I'm still the top bitch in this school."

"I don't want to fight about this, S," Quinn said, getting dressed. She really just felt like getting out of here as fast as she could.

"Well that's too bad, 'cause we're going to. Maybe you need someone to remind you that you've quit Glee before, and you always come crawling back."

"This time I'm not. I'm done with Glee. Aren't you sick of people talking about you like you're nothing? You know people suspect something about you and B, Santana. And when the truth comes out and you're just in Glee-"

"Shut up, that ain't happening. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Of course I do. I've been friends with you since kindergarten, you really think I don't know?" Quinn said, clutching her shirt and meeting Santana's eyes.

Santana looked surprisingly vulnerable and Quinn was reminded of the fact that Santana cried more than anyone else she knew. Except maybe for Tina.

"There's rumours, San," Quinn said in a soft voice. "If you were on the Cheerio's you wouldn't have to worry about it. You're one of the best performers in this school. Coach Sylvester wouldn't kick you off the Cheerio's just because you're-"

"Don't even say it. I'm not. I'm dating Dave Karofsky. He's way hot and a football player."

"I've known you over 10 years. You really think you can hide something like that from me?" She didn't wait for Santana's reply before she continued.

"You know the status that comes with the Cheerio's. You know you'd have protection. You could be yourself here and have nothing to worry about."

After tying her shoelaces, Quinn was packing up her stuff when Santana was suddenly right next to her.

"That's where you're wrong, Q. If being yourself and having nothing to worry about are important to you, you're at the wrong place. You know as well as I do that these bitches don't care like we do."

Santana still had problems sometimes admitting that they were actual friends. Sometimes Santana's walls were just up so high that it made Quinn want to laugh. Then she'd remember that she was hardly any better.

And then she'd think about Glee.

"Beat it, S, or I'm gonna tell Coach you were in here."

"Bitch, please. I'm in here 3 times a week to get my mack on with Brits, you really think I care about what Coach knows? She doesn't own me anymore."

"Fine, than I'm gonna go," Quinn said, zipping up her back. "I'm sorry, okay? But I'm not rejoining Glee ever again. I hope we can still be friends."

"I wouldn't lower myself to that level if I were you," she spit out. "it kind of defeats the whole purpose of quitting, doesn't it?"

Santana did walk away then. Quinn sighed. Things would get better. If she just programmed in her new way of thinking, she'd adjust to this life again. Just push through the beginning, the hardest part.

The door slammed, indicated Santana had exited the building. Quinn winced. And the day had barely even begun. 

She walked around the school like the bitch she know she had to change herself into again. It was the right thing. If she just molded herself a little, it would be effortless eventually.

In her Spanish class, she sat beside a Cheerio. In her English class, beside Becky. During lunch, she sat at the Cheerio's table, studying her surroundings while everyone around her threw her dubious looks, making Quinn scared that they could somehow feel her insecurities.

Outside of her little run in with Santana that morning, Quinn didn't speak to anyone outside of the Cheerio's. At the end of the day, she knew what was coming. Her unofficial reinstatement.

"I don't care who you throw it at," Jessica Mitchell said to her, the third in command handing her a grape slushie, "as long as it's someone from Glee club or Jacob Ben Israel."

"But preferbaly-" she stopped herself from saying the first names she'd become accostumed to just in time. "Berry or Hummel, right?"

"Of course, that goes without saying."

"Right."

They were walking together. Rachel, Kurt and Mercedes. Mercedes wasn't an option. Kurt - she looked at his outfit and whimpered internally when she saw it was his Alexander McQueen sweater. She couldn't ruin that for him.

Without a second look at whatever horrible outfit Rachel was wearing, or at the girl's face, Quinn threw the slushie at her. The worst part was that Rachel saw it coming. The diva didn't run, didn't try to hide, didn't even say anything after it happened.

She just looked at Quinn, who instinctively clutched the cup so hard it crumpled, stopping herself from touching any of her old friends. She'd get used to this again. She would.

However, the fact that Rachel really thought that low of her - and that Quinn had proved her right - stung probably just as much as the ice cold liquid burning in the chocolate eyes that were staring at her through a colored haze.

Kurt and Mercedes were shocked, but Rachel didn't look surprised in the slightest. She just turned around and walked to the nearest bathroom, followed by Mercedes and, after throwing Quinn a dirty look, Kurt.

Quinn got home with a horrible knotted feeling in het stomach, but a fiery Fabray determination not to give up, whatever the cost. She threw her bag on the floor and slouched down on the couch with her eyes closed and a feeling like she hadn't slept in days.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Mom!" Quinn said, jumping up from the couch. Indeed, Judy Fabray was sitting in a chair across from her.

"Aren't you supposed to be working late on Tuesdays?"

"I got home early, because I wanted to talk to you."

Quinn kept in a groan. Not her mother, too. Not after the day she'd just had.

"You look like you've had a rough day."

"You have no idea," Quinn said in a quiet voice.

"How is it being back on the Cheerio's? Do you like it?"

"I do. It's just hard getting used to... the training schedule and everything."

"Of course. Did you have a good time with your friends?"

Quinn's silence lasted just a second too long.

"Honey, do you really think-"

"What?"

"Well, maybe you haven't thought this through properly. I'm just saying, you never came home from a Glee club meeting looking this tired."

_Maybe you should have looked closer sometimes, like when I cheated on my boyfriend._

"Not you too, mom. I've taken Rachel's and Santana's crap already. _You _always loved it when I was on the Cheerio's. You were the one who pushed me into it!"

"But that was when you loved being a Cheerio too, Quinn. And I'm not sure if you do anymore."

Quinn didn't reply for a few moments, and her mother continued.

"I just want my daughter to be happy."

"I really can't deal with this right now," Quinn said. And, as she'd felt like she had done way too much over the last few days, she walked away.


	4. Marcus Aurelius

**AN: Not extremely satisfied with this one. Which is a shame, because I had to translate Marcus Aurelius in Latin class last year. Still hope you like it, though. Big thank you to everyone who has submitted a review! I've said it before and I'll say it again - they are the thing that gets a writer to write when inspiration runs kind of dry. All the emails of story alerts and favorite stories are of course totally awesome - but nothing can beat the real thing, which is a review :) so leave one if you feel like it! But most importantly: enjoy the chapter! **

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><p>Sometimes, Cheerio's was kind of like a religion.<p>

You believed in winning, in always being better, being the best.

You believed in the Cheerio's, in power and popularity, and that those are 2 of the greatest goods one can have.

You believed in that if you were on top, the people beneath you would catch you, no matter if they hated you or not.

You believed that your cheers were your prayers.

You believed that Coach Sylvester was basically a deity.

And just like in real religions, you had strict rituals.

You were at school 2 hours before anyone else, and you didn't get home until 2 hours everyone had already left.

You had no more free time, and weekends were made for extra practice and nothing else.

You had no social life outside of the Cheerio's - but if you were in the Cheerio's, you were at the top. Who else would you converse with?

And, you started your day with perhaps the most important and glorious ritual of them all.

After cleaning yourself thoroughly, so the stench of the sweat that you produced during your Sue Sylvester-inspired nightmare was gone, you were allowed to truly become a Cheerio.

And you became a Cheerio by putting on the uniform.

With the uniform came a calm disposition. Everything was simple, there were no worries for Quinn then.

She just had to cheer to the best of her abilities, and she knew that she was one of the best on the team, especially with Santana and Brittany gone.

The tight ponytail that made your head hurt was worth the feeling of power. The feeling of simply being on top.

Nobody would be laughing at you, no, not when you were wearing the uniform. Maybe you weren't universally liked, but this was one of those situations where being feared made up for it. 

Moving around carefully, as if not to crinkle her uniform, Quinn's grabbed her book and started reading Marc Anthony's thoughts on self-help.

"_Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will and selfishness—all of them due to the offenders' ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and it's nobility, the nature of evil and it's meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow-creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading."_

Quinn chewed on her inner cheek. _She _was usually the offender, ill-willed and selfish. She had often been described as mean and occasionally as evil.

Marc Anthony was probably pretty naive, if he believed that just by thinking that nothing can injure you, it was true. He had written a couple of books on meditating, it seemed, and had in fact written some things that made a lot of sense. Quinn flipped to the 'in a nutshell' section.

"**Don't get caught up in trivia or pettiness; appreciate your life within a larger context."**

She stared at the quote for a few minutes, reading it several times before the words got through to her. Then, she decided that it was a good lesson. Appreciating your life within a larger context could do wonders to your mentality.

She skipped breakfast and went straight to Cheerio's practice. It wasn't as bad as yesterday, but she still felt like she was behind compared to the other girls on the team. Sue thought so too, it seemed.

"Lazy, sloppy and as enticing as Figgins' mother! That's what you get if you start singing and dancing instead of practicing! Hit the showers!"

Part of Quinn felt a little bit like crying. But she didn't want to cry about something so small. So Sue yelled at her. So what? Sue yelled at everyone. Sue always would yell at everyone. It didn't mean anything. Just that she always had to improve, which was kind of the point.

She had noticed today that there was a new face at the bottom of the pyramid, and was decided to talk to the new girl. Popular people know everything about everyone. This includes the new people. So during lunch at the Cheerio's table, she sat beside this new girl.

"Hi. Are you new here?" Quinn said with a wide smile.

"I am," the other girl replied in a quiet voice. "I just started Monday."

"Where are you from?"

"I just moved here from Minnesota."

"What's your name?"

"Ashley Wilkinson."

"Welcome to McKinley, Ashley. I'm Quinn Fabray."

"I know. I'm not supposed to talk to you, I think," the girl replied in an even quieter voice than before.

Quinn's smile melted off her face.

"Who said that?"

"Becky and the other girls."

"Why aren't you supposed to talk to me?"

"I'm not sure," she replied. "But they think you're a bad influence or something. They told me about..."

The girl hesitated and Quinn's mouth dropped even further.

"I see."

She'd forgotten - 2 days is more than enough to influence someone, and determine their opinions of basically everyone in McKinley.

Which was why she that damned Jessica Mitchell after that afternoon's Cheerio's practice. 

"Why did you tell Ashley not to talk to me?"

"We didn't want you to ruin her," Jessica replied in a particularly bitchy sneer. Quinn knew that sneer; she knew she used to talk just like that, non-stop.

"You know that I'm a Cheerio now, and I rank above you," Quinn reminded her, planting her hands on her hips for extra effect.

"Oh, whatever! Face it Fabray. We all remember everything that happened to you last year, and you won't get back from that just like that," the girl said, snapping her fingers.

"I slushied Rachel yesterday, didn't that tell you anything?" Quinn said, feeling panic bubbling inside of her, though she kept her voice under control. What the hell did this bitch want from her? She closed her eyes when she realized her slip-up.

"And now you're on first-name basis with that gremlin. You better watch out, Fabray. You're not the HBIC anymore, so you better watch your every step."

The line Quinn was toeing was very thin, and she knew it. It was a game. Sometimes take it, sometimes dish it out. Suddenly, her motivational lesson of the day shot through her head.

Don't get caught up in trivia or pettiness, but appreciate your life within a larger context.

She'd never set foot in this school after this year.

What _was _she all doing this for?

At least a dozen answers flew to her mind at the same time - ranging from 'slushie facials suck' to 'prom queens live longer'.

_But Quinn Fabray wasn't taking crap from a number 3._

"Maybe you ought to watch your step, with your Yeti feet," she replied, arching her eyebrow. The power rush felt _awesome_. She decided to milk her moment when she asked:

"Who are you dating?"

"Mitch Cottrell, he's a fullback on the football team," Jessica replied. Her eyes were thundering.

Quinn hesitated. Mitch Cottrell had asked her out, not 2 days after her break-up with Finn. She could most definitely use that to go for a Cheerio's biggest insecurity; her looks. Probably the one thing that had helped Quinn the most through the years, was her beauty.

But that would most definitely count as trivia and pettiness.

"He's a nice guy. You should hold onto him. But be careful, he cheated on his last 2 girlfriends."

She saw Jessica opening her mouth, and had a feeling that she knew what was coming._ I did cheat on my last 2 boyfriends._

But it didn't. Jessica Mitchells nodded and said: "Thanks, I will."

Quinn felt like this situation was gradually becoming more and more awkward, and decided to stop it by giving the other girl a slight nod with her head and walking off. 

Clutching her Cheerio's bag tighter, she listened to the sound of her own footsteps echoing in the empty hallways. It was strange to get used to that again - she never walked alone to her car after Glee. She was either Santana or Brittany's ride, or she was living with Finn, Puck or Mercedes. The very empty, deserted hallways felt eerily quiet.

She stopped walking when the sound of her own footsteps started creeping her out - which was a mistake, because now it was just quiet, and it wasn't like that was so much better.

Although...

It wasn't quiet.

There was singing, in the distance. Probably from the Auditorium. But Glee practice ended over half an hour ago, right?

Her curiosity won out - it wasn't even a battle, really - and she turned on her heel and stalked off to the auditorium. It was almost empty in there. That's if you didn't count the small girl on the stage.

And it was impossible not to count the small girl on the stage.

Quinn honest to God did not like Broadway. She adored Kurt, and she'd even started disliking Rachel less and less, but that didn't mean that it made Broadway music any better than Mr. Shue rapping.

Quinn did not know what song Rachel was singing, but she knew that it was the most powerful thing she had ever seen.

People in Glee club often had this thought in silence, and Quinn was no exception, but never had this fact hit her so hard as it did right now.

_Rachel is going to be huge someday._

Her vision blurred, tears spurred on as the girl's belting grew in intensity. The Cheerio was powerless against her body's reactions to the song. She couldn't do anything, but let the tears stream in silence.

_Don't get caught up in trivia or pettiness, Quinn! It's just Rachel, singing!_

But her heart broke a little bit when she thought that Rachel had a future outside of Lima - all because of this - and that _this_, what Rachel was doing, was anything but trivial.

Driving home, Quinn thought about trivia and pettiness.

To her, her dream of becoming Prom Queen was anything but trivial. It was a goal, and a good one at that. Prom Queen's lived happy lives. Prom Queen's lived longer because they smiled more. Prom Queen's had it really good, and she could have all that.

Quinn knew what her life was going to be like. She'd seen it happen to her sister, her mother, generations of American Fabrays. She was going to marry young and move to Lima, or a town like Lima. Her sister was a housewife, but Quinn didn't want that. She'd have a job, something in real estate, probably.

Maybe she'd marry Finn. There was a good chance that that would happen someday. He'd never move out of Lima, she could tell. She'd never move out of Lima either. He'd make a fine husband and father someday.

Thinking about that, Quinn thought that her whole life seemed pretty trivial compared to Rachel's impending stardom.

She tried to find things that weren't trivial inside herself, and Quinn thought about emotions. Big emotions weren't trivial. Big emotions were huge. Maybe that's what she had to do - feel big emotions, so not everything seemed as small and insignificant and... trivial.

Quinn really wasn't that good at just _feeling _things. But after she came home, she made herself a bowl of popcorn and settled down on her bed with Titanic playing - a movie that always made her cry.

It didn't work. It didn't make her feel those big things.

She tried Bambi, after that. Even sob-music. But, where Quinn was a relatively easy cryer - especially when pregnant - today she couldn't. She wanted to feel something big, something epic, something indescribably human.

She went to bed, frustrated and feeling tiny. But the minute she closed her eyes it started.

The voice.

The _voice_.

_The _voice.

_That _voice, the voice that she heard earlier today, that she'd heard so many times before. The voice that was constantly underappreciated, but _that _voice was just so very beautiful all by itself.

That was the voice that was playing in her mind.

Her memories of earlier that day were playing in her mind.

And, as it turned out, that was the trigger of her tears.

The tears stung behind her eyelids, but it felt inexplicably good. It felt like a confession, like getting something off your chest. Especially when Quinn admitted it to herself for the first time.

_I'm jealous of her._

This was the first time she had truly identified a reason to hate Rachel, to be an enemy to the other girl. For some reason, the confession felt like a huge deal to Quinn.

Quinn knew what her life was going to be like - it was trivial and she didn't really like that. Not while knowing that Rachel Berry was going to make a difference someday. Her future was safe, practically secured already, yet she was so scared of it.

She'd told Rachel this - and the diva was the one to tell her that she was more than a pretty girl.

Quinn sniffled. Just maybe, it was time to consider her alternatives.


	5. Bhagavad Gita

**AN: Sorry it took a little longer - but it's also a longer chapter :) Quinn tries spirituality! This chapter is a lot of Faberry, but it's one step forward two steps back with these two. Light R rating for implied adult themes. I think the T-rating should be enough here on FF! Thanks for all the kind words and reactions, they keep a writer motivated ;) and still; virtual hugs and virtual chocolate chip cookies for reviewers! =D (because those 2 things equal love. Who doesn't love hugs and especially chocolate chip cookies?). I hope you all enjoy the chapter. I want to stress the fact that this is never meant to insult spirituality - I have the greatest respect for it. Enjoy!**

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><p>Quinn felt tired when she woke up the next morning. No, more like drained. She felt like every last bit of motivation and energy had been extracted from her body. It was still early. She'd slept horribly, and had awoken before her alarm clock had woken her up. She felt like she couldn't sleep anymore, though, so she dragged herself out of her bed with a tired groan.<p>

Today was a good day to try to get motivated. This was the kind of day that her book might actually help her big time. So she flitted to her lesson of the day and tried to read the title of the book of the day out loud.

"Bogawad Gita," Quinn said. _Oh, Bhagavad._

_What the hell?_

"Karmani ave adhikars te ma phalesu kadachana ma karmaphal hetur bhoo ma sangostu akramani."

Yeah, because that makes more sense.

For the first time, Quinn read where her little piece of wisdom of the day originated from. As it turned out, it was Sancrit. The book was a big book for Hindu people, who believed in multiple Gods and were all spiritual and stuff.

Frustrated already, she searched for the English translation.

"Thou hast the power to act only, no power over the result thereof. Therefore thou must act without prospect of the result, without succumbing to inaction."

Quinn groaned out loud. This was most definitely not what she needed today. She needed a hand to guide her through the day. No nonsense. The in a nutshell was usually the best section in there anyway. Maybe that would help her get through the day.

**In a nutshell: Seek peace inside yourself, do the work that is yours, and wonder at the mysteries of the universe.**

_Seriously?_

Quinn heaved a deep sigh. So this was what she had to go on today. Maybe it was best to take a long shower before she officially started this day.

The hot water calmed her mind and her body down. She hadn't even realized that she was all that tense until she felt her muscles relax. She really loved taking showers for that particular reason.

Her lesson of the day was a little bit too treehuggery for Quinn. The blonde was a very down to earth girl, and she liked it that way. She hated vague descriptions or not knowing what to do. It was one of the reasons why she had picked that book out of all of the other self-help books.

On the other hand, Quinn wasn't stupid. She knew that there were millions, billions of people in the world for whom that shit worked really well. Spirituality was so important to so many. And if she was honest with herself, she didn't know all that much about it.

There was in fact a spiritual center in Lima. There was a constant smell of incense around the place, and she kind of liked that sweet smell. She didn't know what people did there, really.

On her way to school, driving past the building, Quinn decided to stop. She put her car in park and walked up to the building. After a moment's worth of hesitation, she opened the door and stepped in.

The smell of incense was heavy, and felt like it was burning it's way into her mind. She felt herself growing more tired. Other than that, the place looked actually pretty normal. A few colorful pictures on the wall, a strange kind of altar-thing in a corner, nothing else. There was a blessedly normal looking desk with a blessedly normal looking receptionist, who threw Quinn a curious but very friendly smile.

"Hello. Can I help you?"

"Maybe," Quinn said. "I don't know. I just... What do people do in here?"

Well, that couldn't have come out any more awkwardly.

"I understand completely," the receptionist smiled widely. "Why don't you just come tonight?"

"Are you open tonight? And would it be alright if I just... I don't know, checked it out?"

"Of course! This place is free for everyone, believers or not. You are most welcome to visit tonight."

"Is this like a committal thing? And do I have to pay?"

"No, it's completely free of charge."

The smile of the receptionist hadn't faltered for even a second yet. Quinn nodded.

"Okay... Maybe I'll come tonight," she said, before hastily retreating to her car.

The smell of Lima-air was like a smack in the face after the sweet smell that weighed so heavily on her mind. Going to school felt like the worst idea ever, and like a completely different world at that, but she couldn't stay away from Cheerio's from voluntary mandatory Thursday morning practice.

After practice, feeling completely stressed out from being yelled at by Coach and the aggressive looks from her teammates, Quinn decided to check out the spiritual center that night. Anything to calm down. If that helped her with her lesson of the day - seeking peace inside herself - she'd do it.

However, when she was standing before the center after dinner, she found herself almost unable to move. It had been almost completely quiet that morning, but now there were people everywhere. People who might know her. People who might consider her an unwelcome outsider - she kind of represented everything that treehuggers didn't like.

She spotted the receptionist from that morning. Earlier today, she had looked blessedly normal. However, now Quinn saw that she was wearing some kind of dark red and golden robe-kimono thing. It made her question her decision-making skills even more.

"Oh, crap," she whispered. The receptionist met her eyes, waved, and started walking towards her.

"Hey! How wonderful, you came!" she said with a wide smile.

Crap. Was there a way out now?

"Yeah, I did," Quinn said with a hesitant smile.

"Are you coming in?"

"I..."

The other woman arched an eyebrow.

"I guess I am," Quinn finished.

"Great! Well, come on, then!"

Quinn was thankful that she'd at least changed out of her Cheerio's outfit. Yeah, she was the only one wearing jeans in the place - she seemed to be the only one wearing pants, period - but she had a feeling that a Cheerio's outfit would have exuded all the wrong signals.

"So, there is the incense corner. There is where you can pray. That room is for massages, that room is for group meditation and that corner for individual meditation. Outside we have the Spirit's Fire, where people gather around to feel the presence of the Spirit, and you can have your Aura and Karma read and cleansed over there," she said, pointing at doors.

It was a little too much for Quinn to all take in at once.

"Thanks," the Cheerio said. "I'll just look around."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, thanks. I'd rather just..." Quinn said, her sentence trailing off. She wasn't sure what she was going to do yet.

"That's alright. If you need any help whatsoever, the employees are wearing dark red robes, similar to mine."

"Great... Could you maybe tell me where the bathroom is?" Quinn asked.

"We believe in giving everything back to nature," the woman said, looking straight into Quinn's eyes.

"...Oh."

"That was a joke, actually. It's right through there," she said, pointing to the door at Quinn's right.

"Thanks."

"Enjoy your evening," the receptionist said with a wide smile. She waved at Quinn before walking away.

First things first. Bathroom.

It was just white and normal, which was a relief to Quinn. When she walked out to wash her hands, however, she was met with an eerily familiar brown-haired small figure.

_No, no, no! Not here, not today, not now!_

Rachel Berry looked up into the mirror. The hands that were moving up to fix her hair froze mid-air, and the diva turned around.

"Quinn? What are you doing here?"

_Think of an excuse! Now! Faster!_

"I'm doing - uhmm - a project?"

"Are you sure? I take the same classes as you."

"It's... It's a personal project."

Rachel looked like she understood. Quinn really didn't want Rachel to understand, but it was too late now.

"Ah, I see."

"What are you doing here? You're Jewish, Christian, and now you're spiritual too?" For Quinn it was one or the other; it was already ridiculous that Rachel was a little bit Christian next to her Jewishness.

"Yes, Quinn. I do enjoy my hours of spirituality here with my Daddy. This isn't a real religion, you know. It's just a place to find peace within yourself," Rachel said in a calm voice.

Quinn almost growled with frustration. That girl, that place, and of course Rachel knew how to find peace within herself. She already knew everything Quinn was trying to learn.

But perhaps, Quinn could accept help.

Quinn wasn't that good with help - considering how much trouble it had taken her to admit to herself that she needed it, only to end of with a self-help book - but maybe this was one of those things that she had to do. Learn how to accept a friendly hand. Learn to ask for help.

"Can you show me around?"

Rachel smiled so widely that Quinn felt a reflexive smile spread across her face.

"I'd love to, Quinn! Or to quote miss Holiday: I thought you'd never ask."

Before Quinn had anything else to say on the subject, Rachel had already hooked her arm through the blonde's and was dragging her back to the big hallway with the absolute overload of mysterious looking doors. She walked toward the end of the hallway, back to the main room, and went to a man who was sitting by the altar-thingy. 2 Indian deities had started moving upon it.

"Daddy, this is Quinn. It's her first time here. Is it okay if I just show her around today instead?"

"Of course, Rachy. Have a good time with your friend," he said, waving the girls goodbye.

Quinn noticed that Rachel didn't correct him.

"Sooooooo," Rachel said, drawing out the syllable and once again instating unnecessary physical contact by grabbing Quinn's arm, "is there anything you'd like to do first?"

_Why did I even ask her?_

"No, just go ahead and show me around."

"Okay, if it's alright with you, I would like to start with a Chakra and Aura cleansing. It's kind of a ritual of mine."

"Fine, fine," Quinn agreed. That was what she was here for, right? Spiritual shit.

Rachel dragged her to a far corner of the main hall and slipped through the door. Her eyes widened.

"Oh no, we're late! Make no sound, Quinn! Please don't disturb the healing process!"

Quinn rolled her eyes. Apparently, Rachel was one of those people who did not know how to whisper.

Making their way to people sitting Indian style on the hardwood floor - trying not to bump into any of them - Quinn listened to the man who was speaking. Spiritual sounding music was playing softly in the background.

Behind the man, there was a glass wall, through which you could see the night sky. Rachel joined the people on the floor and yanked Quinn down noisily. Quinn tried not to pay attention to the looks she got, and instead tried to imitate what everyone around her was doing, including Rachel.

"...you can close your eyes at any point if you'd like, and visualize all the things that I am saying to you. First, we shall cleanse our emotions. Take deep breaths, hold them for a while, feel them reverberating inside of you. Feel how this clean air is sweeping through you, picking up every negative emotion, and release that breath. And when you release that breath, feel how you are releasing all the negative energy you picked up in your daily life."

She heard Rachel do exactly that, and watched from the corner of her eye how a blissful smile spread across the other girls face.

_Well, now I have to try it, of course._

She took a deep breath and released it noisily. _This is so stupid._

"Now visualize the night sky."

_Dude, it's right behind you._

"Visualize beautiful white, bright lights coming down from the stars. Now see them floating through this very window. Can you see them?"

Rachel was nodding beside her, still that same blissful smile on her face.

"They are surrounding you, swirling above you. The circles they are making above you are closing in on you, but you are not afraid. They are welcome. They come closer, closer still, until you feel them melting with you. The white lights are inside of you, cleansing your chakra of all the bad things you have felt inside of you."

Quinn's muscles tensed when Rachel suddenly took her hand. It made more sense when the man started speaking again.

"Now, we will become one. You can touch the people around you if you'd like, it isn't a bad thing. For we, in fact, are all one. The world is one. The universe is one. And now, we will embrace this fact, this unity. The bright lights inside of you are whirling and swirling, making you feel warm inside."

Quinn realised she was staring at Rachel then, and felt like a creep.

_Focus! Try!_

Rachel was tracing circles on Quinn's hand with her thumb, which was very distracting, but Quinn decided to try and participate anyway. The cheerleader closed her eyes, and imagined white lights swirling inside of her.

"The white lights are swirling around in your chest, around your heart, and have spread all the good energy that they have. Now they are going lower, to your abdomen. Feel them swirling."

_Maybe this really isn't as stupid as it seems._

Quinn thought that it was probably working. She really was feeling something swirling around in her lower abdomen. It was a strange sensation, somehow familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. As the feeling intensified, Rachel got closer to her, until their shoulders, their whole sides were touching. Or did the feeling intensify after Rachel did that?

"The lights are soaking up every bad thing like a spiritual vacuum cleaner."

_Seriously?_

"The harder they are swirling, the better you are starting to feel. Everything intensifies, as all the bad things are being soaked up by the lights, and all the good feelings start taking over. You feel how your energy is starting to build. This is completely natural."

Quinn did feel it. Everything was intensifying as she focused on Rachel's quickening breaths.

She didn't care that spirituality was kind of stupid. This felt amazing. Especially when her leg brushed Rachel's and the brunette entwined their fingers.

"All your nerve endings are tensing as you feel it building. All the things you are feeling are building towards your spiritual release. Release of all the negativity. Your body is building to a climax as it is trying to get rid of the negativity soaked up by the lights."

She heard Rachel whimper beside her. She couldn't help herself and peeked. Rachel had a deep frown on her face and her mouth was a little bit open. She also couldn't help but notice the slight trace of glistening lipgloss on those full pink lips.

_Wait, what?_

"The world is feeling brighter as you feel yourself being cleansed. Feel how every muscle is as tense as it can possibly get, feel everything there is. The white lights are now swirling at a very high tempo. Breathe in all the air that your body can take," he said.

Quinn was out of it now. She'd been awoken by the stupid glistening of Rachel's stupid lips. Her focus was now fully on the diva beside her, who's chest had risen to it's maximum extent - which was more than it would seem at first sight, but Quinn knew from Rachel's singing that the girl had one hell of a pair of lungs - before the man spoke his final words.

"And let it go. Breathe out, feeling everything leave your body."

Rachel blew out a long, deep breath and Quinn watched her chest size down, and watched the other girl shudder with release. When Rachel opened her eyes, the remarkably dark eyes found Quinn's immediately. A relaxed smile was resting on the girl's face.

"What did you think of that?"

_Wake up! Get a grip, Fabray!_

"It was quite... intense," Quinn replied honestly.

"I know, that's exactly what I love about it. I feel reborn after these sessions."

As everyone started getting up, she heard the man announce: "Thank you all for attending today's session, I hope to see you all return soon."

"Don't worry," Rachel said as they left the room. "Not everything is this intense. Would you like to check out the Spirit fire? It's a lot of fun!"

"Sure, sure!" Quinn said absentmindedly.

_What the hell just happened in there?_

"Are you sure you're alright, Quinn? I remember that after my first time, I was speechless for the first time in my life. I know it can be a lot to take in."

Quinn blinked slowly. As amazing as she had been starting to feel during the session, as uncomfortable she was feeling inside her own body at that moment. It was a feeling she had a hard time identifying, but uncomfortable was at least a part of it.

_Stupid spirituality!_

"I'm fine. Let's go to that Fire Spirit of yours."

"Spirit Fire," Rachel corrected her. "If you would please follow me outside, Quinn."

The night air was colder than she'd expected, and she quickly followed Rachel to a small campfire. It looked surprisingly normal, with a few people sitting around it. A guitar, a couple of bongos, but nothing too much.

Even more comforting, was that there was singing. Quinn didn't know the songs, they didn't even sound familiar to her, but Rachel did know them. She was already singing them when she joined the group, and tried to get Quinn to sit down.

"On the ground? You can't be serious," Quinn said.

"Come on, Quinn. Never turn your back on nature."

Quinn thought that if it was natural to sit on the ground, people wouldn't have invented chairs like, 3000 years ago. But of course, she didn't have much to say about things here. So she sat down. On the cold, hard ground.

It went on like this for a while - someone strumming the guitar, a few others banging on bongos, and everyone singing songs that only they seemed to know, Rachel's voice standing out amongst all of them.

That was, until someone said: "Let's play look into the fire!"

Rachel looked excited at first, but then threw Quinn a cautious look.

"I like looking into the fire," Quinn said, who had been doing exactly that. "and I love games."

This was true. Quinn was very competitive, and thus loved games.

Rachel just threw Quinn a smile.

The guitar player, a guy with short hair and a long beard, put away his instrument and started looking into the fire. The bongos played harder as his stare became more intense.

"I look into the fire and I see..." the sound of the bongos swelled in the night air.

"I see darkness. I have been born into this world alone, and I will die alone, and I have to repeat that process infinitely. I feel like there is truly no one else in this world."

"I look into the fire and I see..." a long-haired girl next to him started, as the bongos started playing louder again.

"Separation. Because everything that once was together will be falling apart."

"I look into the fire and I see us. I see that everyone else might misunderstand us, but that doesn't matter if we have this circle. I've never felt more at peace with the universe."

Quinn's heart was beating loudly in her chest. She understood what she'd signed up to do, now. But that didn't mean she had to like it. Her palms were sweating. There was only one person left before it was her turn; Rachel.

"I look into the fire and I see..." Rachel began, her gaze intensifying as people banged on the bongos.

"I see my earthly bound desires, and I fear that without them I might crumble and seize to exist. I feel like I identify myself by my dreams and desires. And I sometimes want them to just fly away, and feel like nothing is keeping me from Nirvana," Rachel finished.

Quinn's mouth was dry. Rachel turned her head to look at her and rested her hand on Quinn's again, giving it a light squeeze.

"This is Quinn, everyone. She's new here. Just look into the fire, and tell whatever you see. You're safe here, Quinn. There's no such thing as a wrong answer."

The bongos were louder, and Quinn's heart was pounding. But she really needed to try.

"I look into the fire and I see..." Quinn hesitated. Rachel had opened up in her presence, admirably enough, but Quinn wasn't that easy with opening up. However, if there was ever a moment, this would be it.

"I see myself with my family. I see my parents, and I feel like I'm going to become them, no matter what I try to do. I see all the mistakes I've made, and the people I've mistreated, and all of the expectations of the people around me that I wish I could just let go of."

She felt another light, comforting squeeze in her hand, and realized that her eyes were brimming with tears. She quickly blinked them away and swallowed around the lump in her throat.

"That was good, Quinn," Rachel whispered. "That was really good."

"Is it okay if we... I just need a moment."

"Of course, I'll come with you if you want to."

"Yeah, thanks," Quinn said. She stood up and followed Rachel back to the bathroom.

Rachel was staring at her while she was drinking water and splashing some in her face.

"It's a lot to take in on your first time. But Quinn, I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that you participated in the Spirit Fire. It was very insightful. A lot of people clam up the first time, so it's really admirable what you just did."

Quinn gave Rachel a small smile.

"Are you ready to go out there again?"

"What else is there on the program?"

"Well, I'm just going to show you one last thing. It's also quite a lot to take in, but I feel it is very relaxing. Massaging."

"How is getting a massage spiritual?" Quinn said, following Rachel out.

"Most of what happens here is about disconnecting yourself from earth, from possessions and people, but massages are about connecting yourself to another person on a spiritual level."

"Who are we connecting to?"

Rachel threw Quinn a hesitant look.

"No way."

"Quinn, it's either me or a random stranger. I need to know that you are committed to this."

Quinn was committed to everything she tried. She never did anything halfway. But did that mean that she had to connect to Rachel Berry spiritually now?

_Yes, it does._

Quinn heaved a deep sigh.

"Through this door?"

Rachel nodded. Quinn closed her eyes for a second before pushing the heavy door open and walking inside.

"Hello, Guita," Rachel said. "This is my friend Quinn, she's new here."

"She's new and you're already bringing her into this part of the center?" the woman called Guita asked. "Are you sure about this?"

"You know it's my favorite. I can't not show her. Is there a room for us?"

"Room 3, make it a good one."

She gave Rachel a 'taken' tag to put on the door, before turning to Quinn.

"Rachel is really good at this. You should really try to enjoy it as much as you can."

Quinn nodded silently before following Rachel to room 3.

The brunette easily found her way through the room, spreading a towel on the massage couch before turning up some soft, spiritual music and burning incense. Quinn's head felt heavy when she smelled it.

"You can go first, I'll show you the ropes," Rachel said. "Just take your top off and lay yourself down."

Quinn hesitated after taking her shirt off. "Bra too?"

"Only if you're comfortable with it."

It was stupid - she had P.E. with Rachel, they'd shared a locker room so many times, not even counting all the times that they had to change for Glee numbers. Still she really couldn't bring herself to take off her bra. So she just made herself comfortable on the table.

She felt pressure on the back of her thighs and realized Rachel was straddling them.

"Is that necessary?"

"It's part of the process, Quinn. But I'm going to have to ask you to be silent from now on."

Quinn didn't reply, but repressed a shudder when Rachel's hands touched her shoulders. This girl knew what she was doing.

Firm kneading started. Rachel's hands where everywhere, all at once, and it felt amazing. Quinn could feel relaxation spreading to the very tips of her toes when Rachel's hands drifted to her lower back.

The music and the incense made her head feel heavy, and Rachel's hands on her made her body feel good. Quinn closed her eyes and allowed herself to let out a soft moan.

"That feels so good, Rachel."

She didn't get a reply, but was sure that the other girl was smiling.

Quinn was focused on nothing but the firm touches all over her back. Deep, even breaths brought her to a state of almost hypnotic relaxation, especially combined with the music and the smell of incense and the heat, that freaking heat!

Quinn creaked one eye open with a lot of trouble, and saw candles lit all around her. This truly wasn't anything too worrisome, since she'd seen candles everywhere since she came in. Still she felt something twist inside of her, like what she was doing was wrong.

Which was ridiculous, because she wasn't doing anything.

"Now we'll make the connection," Rachel said.

"Connection?" Quinn said dazedly.

"Yes. The spiritual connection that we came here to make," Rachel said in a careful voice.

"I thought we were doing that."

"Not exactly. It goes a little differently."

"Then why did you do this?" Quinn asked.

"Well, first of all, because of your recent return to your hostile feelings toward me, I thought it was important that we established some friendly contact first. Just so you could get used to getting touched by me like this. Second of all, I give excellent massages and I wanted to show you that," she said with a beaming smile.

Of course she does.

Quinn couldn't exactly disagree, so decided not to comment.

"Okay, fine. Let's connect or whatever."

"Alright. Sit up, Quinn."

Quinn felt like a dog, but kept her mouth shut and handed the control to Rachel. She didn't even want it in this matter - she had no idea what was about to transpire.

Rachel moved from Quinn's back and turned up different music, one with a little more of a beat inside of it while still being all spiritual. It gave Quinn the feeling of being hypnotized.

"Straddle the table, please."

Quinn raised her infamous eyebrow but did what Rachel asked, thanking God that she had decided against putting on a skirt.

Rachel sat across from her now, straddling the table too, facing Quinn.

"Alright, Quinn. Eyecontact is the most important thing right now. I need you to be serious. I'm still not sure if this was all some kind of ploy of yours to embarrass me later, but even if it is, I need it not to be right now. This is very important to me."

"It's not."

Rachel gave her a small smile, and Quinn wasn't sure if the brunette believed her.

"So we close our eyes."

Quinn closed her eyes.

"We wait a while, filling ourselves with good energy, so that you are open to new things, people and experiences."

The music was pounding in Quinn's ears, and she was pretty sure that her heartbeat was now synchronized with the heavy beat of the music.

"Now we open them."

Quinn opened her eyes and looked right into Rachel's. The brown orbs were almost overflowing with life and emotions and general Rachel-ness.

"I need you to follow my lead." Rachel's voice had taken on a calm and soothing tone, like she had never heard before from the girl. It made her want to follow the girl's lead.

Rachel put her hands on Quinn's head and started massaging right on top of it, before swiftly bringing her fingers to Quinn's temples and massaging them softly.

Quinn followed Rachel's lead, all the while looking into Rachel's eyes. She could tell by them that the other girl was enjoying herself already. She looked completely in her element, just like with singing.

Rachel had stopped giving Quinn vocal directions to follow, instead acting it out and Quinn responding by imitating Rachel's touches. She couldn't imagine that it felt as good on Rachel as it did on her, but Rachel looked happy enough.

The fingers drifted to her neck and started working out some kind of knot there. Quinn felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up and hoped to God that Rachel couldn't feel it. She tried to imitate Rachel's movement, before realizing Rachel's hands were already working at the back of her shoulders.

She caught up immediately and hoped that Rachel could stay there for a while, because she could feel the tension bleeding out of her shoulders the longer Rachel massaged her there. She rubbed Rachel's shoulders firmly and realized that they were actually really tiny.

Rachel was closer now. Quinn could hear and feel the other girl's breaths on her face. This was uncomfortable, yes, but not nearly as uncomfortable as the thought that Rachel could feel hers as well. It was necessary though, because Rachel's hands were on her back again.

Quinn didn't hesitate with copying the movements but was still surprised when she found herself in a very close embrace. There was almost no more room for eyecontact like this.

A soft thud indicated their foreheads touching and Quinn was almost no longer able to look into Rachel's eyes. That's when Rachel backed out and started massaging Quinn's sides.

Some parts were better, some worse. Quinn was very ticklish. She liked massaging Rachel there however, more than she had expected. The girl was thin, yes, but she still had natural curves. More than most people. They felt surprisingly nice to touch.

Rachel's hands grazed the sides of her breaths and Quinn gasped. Had that been intentional? Was she supposed to just let those kind of touches happen? To allow Rachel to touch her like that?

_Probably not._

Rachel's hands drifted to the front of her shoulders this time, but when they started making their way down Quinn's collarbone, the Cheerio stopped imitating Rachel's movements.

"I can't do this," Quinn whispered. Her head felt so heavy and her body felt so good. But what the hell were they expecting from her? Where the hell was Rachel taking this?

"Quinn, please, just relax-" Rachel said. But when the side of Rachel's hands brushed - accidentally - by Quinn's breasts, the other girl jumped up.

"I have to go home. See you at school tomorrow."

Quinn quickly grabbed her stuff together as Rachel asked:

"Are you gonna go back to being a bitch to me tomorrow?"

Quinn didn't reply but was out the door before she could hear Rachel's deep sigh, or see the clear sadness in the other girl's eyes.

Just like earlier that afternoon - had it been so short a while ago? - the cold air was like a smack in the face, erasing the warmth in her body, the good feelings, the smell of incense and helping Quinn forget what just happened or why she felt the sudden need to leave.

_Stupid book! Stupid ideas! Stupid quotes! Stupid Rachel Berry!_

Quinn took another lengthy shower before going to bed that night, but it was kind of useless. All those touches, every bodypart that had felt them, was still feeling those touches. They were still reverberating inside of Quinn. Her body felt like it was overheated.

_I already feel achy all over. This was a horrible idea._

That wasn't true. Quinn didn't feel achy all over. She only felt achy in one place, inbetween her hips, where her legs met.

Quinn stayed up most of the night, ignoring the achy feeling that helped keeping her awake.


	6. The Bible

**AN: New chapter! Big on religion, this one, but it's also a part of one of our fave characters. We have a little less denial!Quinn because she stops denying a little less! Hope you like it. Keep on reviewing, because reviews make for motivated writers who write more most of the time. And they make for virtual hugs and chocolate chip cookies. Not as long as the last chapter but still over 4000 words. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>It was 5:30 AM when Quinn gave up on sleep and decided to start her day with an extra long shower, and hopefully a lesson that would help her survive another day.<p>

She hadn't slept at all after her evening spent with Rachel, having been kept awake by thoughts about the other girl and a very uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach. Part of her was bordering on the verge of a panic attack, but Quinn knew that that was completely needless.

There was no reason to worry at all. She just wasn't quite herself, probably.

Yes, this was about the right time for some help from her self-help book.

She turned on the lamp on her bedside and opened the book at the next chapter. She'd started using a bookmark.

The Cheerio sighed with relief when she saw what the book had in store for her today. Finally, something she could relate to.

The Bible.

_"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want; he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul." (Psalm 23)  
><em>  
>"Yes," Quinn whispered softly. This, she knew. This, she could totally do.<p>

**In a nutshell: Love, faith, hope, the glory of God, the perfectibility of man.  
><strong>  
>Plenty of people in Lima had grown up with the Bible, but the Fabray family was probably one of the strictest in the town. Quinn <em>knew <em>the church. She _knew _the Bible. And often, if she'd lost her way, her faith pointed her in the right direction again.

She hadn't gone to church in forever.

Well, that wasn't exactly true.

She hadn't gone to church since everyone had found out she was pregnant and her parents had kicked her out. Even after her return to her mother, she hadn't dared to step into that sacred place.

Her beliefs had changed a little. The God she believed in now was more forgiving. She mostly thought this, because she had learned that people make mistakes. She couldn't bare the thought of being denied entry to heaven because of one stupid mistake.

Maybe she'd been looking at all this all wrong. Maybe she should just fall back on one of the things she knew best; her religion.

Before Cheerio's, she prayed with a group of Catholic Cheerio's. She prayed not to be yelled at today.

It worked. Instead of her, Ashley got yelled at.

This brought Quinn in an undeniable state of cheerfulness and she decided to rejoin the Christ Crusaders at one, already forgetting why she hadn't done that already.

**Meetings on Mondays and Thursdays**, it said on the paper that was hanging on the board. Quinn remembered, it was during Glee practice. But she wasn't in Glee anymore, anyway.

Her eyes flitted - purely out of habit - to the Glee sign up sheet that had never been removed, to see that her name had been crossed out. Quinn bit her lip. Later today, she had a Celibacy Club meeting and then to go to Christ Crusaders after that seemed like a lot in one day. However, this was probably the meaning of her lesson of the day. Living your life with God in mind.

Celibacy Club was only there because Figgins got fundings from the church if he kept it in action. They were forced to meet once every 2 weeks, for an hour at least. Quinn was once again the president, of course. Ms. Pillsbury was in it and occasionally Rachel Berry. Maybe now she was in the Cheerio's again, her teammates would start joining soon. Today however, it was probably going to be herself with Ms. Pillsbury and Rachel.

That was bound to be awkward. Yesterday, at the spiritual center, she and Rachel had participated in things that... weren't exactly Christian. Weird meditations and spiritual massages that made Quinn run out for reasons she wasn't sure of herself. She _really _didn't feel like talking to Rachel yet.

However, after her last class, she knew it was Celibacy Club time. The bell rang, indicating the end of her History AP. She took that class with Rachel, almost all of her classes, actually, but they didn't talk to each other as they seperately made their way to the Celibacy Club meeting.

Quinn took the long route, and regretted after making a left turn and being faced with the sight of Ms. Pillsbury making out fervently with Mr. Shue.

_Why does everyone feel the need to sort out their drama in school?_

She turned on her heel and rounded the corner again. She had an inkling Ms. Pillsbury was not going to make it to the Celibacy Club meeting that day. She heaved a sigh.

The temptation not to go was very great in that moment. But her lesson of the day was that she should trust God and fall back on her religion. Celibacy was a part of that. She couldn't back out already.

So even though in her mind she was making her way to her car, going home and putting on a movie, she walked into the empty classroom that was reserved for these meetings, to find that Rachel was seated already.

"Where is Ms. Pillsbury?" the brunette asked at once.

"She couldn't make it."

"Oh... what do you want to do?"

She couldn't exactly pray with Rachel or rely on the Bible. God forbid, she couldn't play any of the usual games with the other girl.

"I don't know," Quinn replied honestly.

"Oh," Rachel said. Her eyes fell, and it became quiet.

_This is actually kind of nice. Maybe we sit here and be quiet for an hour._

But Rachel looked up and met her eyes already – which made Quinn realize she'd been staring at the other girl – and she had an ominous glimmer in her eyes.

"Would you perhaps like to talk?"

Quinn wasn't dim and Rachel wasn't subtle. Rachel wanted to talk about yesterday. Quinn was definitely _not _going along with that plan, though.

"About celibacy?" Quinn asked.

Rachel hesitated for a split second. "Naturally. This is the Celibacy club, after all."

"Okay," Quinn said. But she didn't know what to say after that.

Rachel sucked on her bottom lip. Quinn noticed a definite glinstering on it when she released it.

"...so how did it?"

"I'm sorry, were you talking?" Quinn said, quickly looking up.

"Yes, Quinn. Weren't you listening?"

"I never listen to your blabbering, you should know that by now." _Especially if you have weirdly glistening lips. I mean, come on._

"I asked you how it felt."

"How what—oh," Quinn finished in realization.

Rachel looked at her expectantly.

"Well, I don't remember much of it, but I do remember that it hurt and I felt sore for like, ever."

The brunette's forehead creased and nodded.

"I have heard before that it hurts the first time for girls. However, since I don't have a mother to talk to about these things..."

"I do have a mother and trust me, I've never talked to her about this. I should have known, though, that it was going to hurt."

Rachel waited for her to explain. Quinn realized that the other girl was being relatively quiet and just looking a lot instead of talking until the cheerleader's ears were bleeding. It would have been easier if she had questions to answer instead of just explaining on her own.

"It was a mistake. God doesn't mean for us to have sex before marriage. He was punishing me for my sin."

Rachel's frown deepened, as if she was trying to say _you don't really believe that, do you_? Quinn pursed her lips and waited for Rachel to speak again. After a short period of silence, Rachel asked:

"Did you ever do it again?"

"God, you can't just ask those questions, Berry!"

Rachel looked away before meeting Quinn's eyes again. She was going to wait until Quinn answered.

"No," Quinn said with a sigh. "I didn't."

"Not with Noah?"

"No."

"Not with Sam?"

"No."

"Not with—" Rachel hesitated, and Quinn replied:

"No, not with Finn either. Not with anyone."

"Oh. Why not?"

"Didn't you hear anything I've said? Why are you here? It's wrong to have sex before marriage. I was punished for my mistake with immidiate pain and a baby afterwards. Just because I made that mistake once, doesn't mean it's okay to make it again. I'm not having sex again until my wedding night. I'm gonna wait for love this time around."

Quinn sat down on a table and crossed her legs before pulling her hair from her ponytail.

"I can't deny that I'm rather relieved to hear that," Rachel stated quietly. "I know that Finn has had his... escapade with Santana, but I'm still glad."

"Don't worry. Now he's running back to you again, you can do it with him whenever you want. I'm sure he'll be very excited."

"Quinn, have you forgotten where we are? This is the Celibacy club! I'm not planning on having sex before I turn 25!"

"25? Why that?"

"Well according to my life planning—"

"Forget I asked."

"—which I created the first time I played the Game of Life with my father and have adjusted to my developments ever since, I will have found true love by the time I'm 23. Since it's going to take 4 years for me to go to Juillard and become a star, and after that I'll have found love within a year. Then, we will have a relationship for a year to a year and a half, after which he will propose to me. It takes 3 months to plan the perfect wedding, but let's count half a year because I want to get married in spring no matter when he proposes – even though he will undoubtedly keep this fact in mind and adjust his plans to it. Then, we get married. And in my wedding night, when I have turned 25 a few months earlier, I will proceed to grant him my virginity."

Quinn waited a few seconds to make sure it was over. It wasn't.

"How... does everyone else do it, then?" Rachel asked hesitantly. "All the other people who joined the Celibacy club before."

"Well, most of them aren't actual virgins. Or at least, not anymore. You know how Puck can be. He didn't just take my virginity. So most of them have had sex already. Unless you count, like, Jacob Ben Isreal or something."

"Didn't I tell you it was a joke?" the diva said with a widening 'I-told-you-so' grin on her face.

"You did. And maybe, _maybe_, you were right."

"I take it you're not as negative about contraception now?"

"Well, actually, I am. It shouldn't be necessary. I'm planning on never needing it again."

Rachel nodded, and her eyes shifted to the clock.

"We still have 40 minutes left," Quinn said. "Sorry."

The other girl sighed. "I know. I'm sorry, this is terribly rude towards you, but you have to realize Quinn, that I'm missing out on valuable practice time."

Quinn rolled her eyes. Rachel's obsessive competitive behavior was something that she surely _hadn't _missed.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, Quinn. Do you have any idea—"

"Save it. We've been in Glee club together for 2 years. I have a pretty good idea."

"Is it okay if I just go pick something up? I'll be back in a minute," Rachel promised.

Quinn had a bad feeling about it, but agreed.

_God, what is she up to?_

Rachel returned, sporting a cheeky grin and holding a guitar.

"Please tell me you're not serious."

"I'm dead serious, Quinn! I refuse to waste an hour of my life that I could have used to practice! Especially like this, since my guitar skills are extremely sub-par, I only know the few chords that Noah has deemed to teach me during our brief affair, but acoustic performances are so important to an artist!"

_For God's sake!_

"Okay, whatever! Do whatever you want."

Rachel made herself comfortable on one of the tables, and Quinn traded her place for a chair. She leaned back and looked at Rachel.

The girl was looking like a complete idiot, tuning the guitar. Puck and Sam looked cool when they were doing that. Rachel had her mouth open and was frowning. She looked kind of retared. A smile spread across her face when she deemed the guitar agreably tuned, and started strumming.

At first, it was just a little bit of simple chords with a faint humming. Quinn could swear that Rachel was playing one Taylor Swift song after the other – which she getting old very quickly – but then Rachel switched it up.

She reckognized the next song Rachel was playing by it's intro. This fact alone made Rachel an official 'guitar-player' in her mind, for some reason, and she could almost feel her respect for Rachel building. She let out a little laugh.

"This one? Seriously?"

"It's only four chords. And – don't feel _too _flattered – it's one of my favourite duets."

"Our voices do go together," Quinn smiled.

"You're going to miss your cue!" Rachel warned her.

"I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too. I was told that I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you? Look into the mirror, who's inside there, the one with the long hair. Same old me again today..."

"Chorus!" Rachel yelled, indicating they were for some reason skipping the second verse.

"You can buy your hair if it won't grow," Quinn sung, listening to the familiar meld of their voices. "You can fix your nose if he says so. You can buy all the make-up Mac can make. But if you can't look inside you, find out who am I too. Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty."

"I feel pretty," Rachel sang through the last sentence of the chorus.

"But unpretty," they finished together. Rachel was beaming at her.

"I knew you missed Glee. You just _had _to."

Quinn bit her lip. How could she forget how good it felt to sing?

"There's one more song," Rachel said, "that I can play. I know it's one of your favorites, since you put it on your Myspace once."

_I still have Myspace?_

"I'm not sure if it's really active," Rachel added, as if she'd read Quinn's mind, "I'm not even sure it's yours. But it's the one where all the comments come from, which made me think it was you. You also posted it on your Facebook once, by the way."

_We're friends on Facebook?_

Rachel started playing and Quinn's bottom lip seperated from her upper. She _did _love this song. She'd loved it since, like, forever.

"I brought a tambourine too, so you can keep rhythm. You took the lead on the last one, it's only fair I take this one. But I'd love for you to sing along," the girl said, holding the final chord of the intro.

Quinn nodded, grabbing the tambourine. "Yeah, I'd love to, too. I wanted to do this with Glee someday but..."

Rachel smiled knowingly, and started singing.

"Kiss me, out of the bearderd barley. Nightly, beside the green green grass. Swing, swing, swing the spinning step. You wear those shoes, and I will wear that dress."

Quinn, keeping rhythm with the tambourine, had a huge grin on her face as she joined Rachel for the chorus with a very simple harmony – something she'd become practiced in during Glee.

"Kiss me, beneath the milky twilight. Lead me out on the moonlit floor. Lift your open hand, strike up the band and make the fireflies dance, silver moon's sparkling..."

Rachel strummed down three times, no longer looking down at her guitar. She seemed to be confident enough in her ability to play this song to be able to meet Quinn's eyes.

"So kiss me."

Quinn couldn't help herself. She had no idea where it came from, but it felt _so good _to be singing again. She just knew that everything in this moment was perfect and right. She was practically skipping around the classroom, while Rachel was swaying around in the middle with the guitar.

"Kiss me, down by the broken tree house. Swing me, upon it's hanging tire. Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat. We'll take the trail marked on your father's map."

Quinn skipped over to Rachel and started dancing around her duet partner. Of course, she couldn't do the guitar solo, so the girl just hummed along while strumming the chords. When they went into the final chorus, they sung in each other's faces. Quinn was glad to note that Rachel looked just as happy as she felt.

_How can this be so perfect? I seriously don't want it to end!_

_I know, me either! Hey, you know what would be the perfect ending though?_

Quinn's smile had yet to fade as, after the final chorus, Rachel went into the outro.

_No. What?_

Rachel strummed the final chord, looking straight into Quinn's eyes with happy glimmers in them. Quinn felt her hard beating wildly inside her chest.

_You should totally kiss her right now!_

_Wait._

"What the hell?" Quinn said in a quiet voice.

"What's wrong, Quinn?" Rachel asked, her smile fading.

"Nothing. But I have to go now."

"We still have to stay here for Celibacy club! The meeting isn't over yet, we still have—"

"Oh, it's not like Figgins will know about this."

"Where do you have to go?" The confusion was clear on the smaller girl's face. She was still clutching the guitar, hugging it to her chest now.

"Church," Quinn said. She grabbed her back and stopped in the doorpost.

"Ehm... See you around."

"You too, Quinn."

She walked through the hallways and broke into a run when she reached the parking lot.

She _really_ needed to go to church.

"Please, I need to go as soon as possible. Now, if I could," Quinn said, clutching her phone.

When she got her positive answer, she was driving her car away from the parking lot before she'd even hung up the phone.

It was around 5:30 PM when she reached it. It was quiet, which was something Quinn wasn't used to. She had no qualms about walking through the doors of the holy place, however, when she was inside she felt suddenly shy.

Her eyes flitted around the church, habitually looking for familiar faces and relief washed over her when she found none. She walked over to the small, wooden confessional and waited.

Indeed, within a minute, Quinn noticed the other side of the confessional open and the familiar figure of the priest sat down across from her.

In Lima, there was no such thing as anonymity, especially not if you were Quinn Fabray. She knew that the person across from her knew a lot of things that had happened to her already, that he knew exactly who she was. However, she found comfort in the fact that he was sworn to secrecy.

"Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been a year and a half since my last confession."

The last time she had been here by herself had been the day she had found out she was pregnant. That day, the priest had granted her absolution for having extramarrital sex, but told her that if she planned on getting an abortion it would mean automatic excommunication.

Quinn started talking immediately.

"I have tried to be a better person, but I'm failing. I am hurting my mother by rejecting her, even though you have to put your parents first, I don't even feel like I can trust her. And I haven't spoken to my father in over a year. And I have kissed someone while I was having a relationship with someone else."

"Why would you reject the one who birthed you, my child?"

It was one of the things she loved most about church – being called my child, feeling like she was a part of something, part of a family.

"Because they rejected me before. I'm so scared that it will happen again. What should I do?"

"There is never a good enough reason to reject your family. You should have faith that the Lord wants you to love and trust your parents, and He doesn't make mistakes."

"What about everyone else I have hurt? And..."

She bit her lip. Quinn felt completely safe and protected, still her heart was thumping as she was building up to the next words. She would be confessing it to herself just as well as to the man across from her.

"I have had thoughts... there was a moment... more like a flash, an instant in which I had thoughts about someone of the same sex."

"What kind of thoughts?"

This was something she _didn't _like. If you were going to confess your sins, you had to do it detailed. The more severe the sin, the more details you needed to tell. It was horrible when she went to confess her brief affair with Puck.

"Sinful thoughts. I had a thought about... about kissing her."

"Anything else? Have you acted upon those thoughts?"

_Oh no, he doesn't think that I cheated with..._

"No, no, no! Of course not! I just... I never want to think about those kind of things again, and I don't know how to do that."

"Fulfilling your penance will bring you a long way, my child. You must try to make amends with your parents, by trusting your mother and seeking contact with your father. And you shall be working this whole weekend – including Sunday after you have attended Mass – at the homeless shelter. Doing good by helping those in need."

Quinn nodded before speaking her Act of Contrition, something that was burned inside her brain.

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended You and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell, but most of all because they offend you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life."

That was another thing that Quinn loved about church. The strict formulas. Knowing what was coming. She knew that the priest would now grant her absolution from her since. She would be starting with a clean slate after today.

"May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you; and by His authority I absolve you from every bond of excommunication and interdict, so far as my power allows and your needs require. Thereupon, I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."

Quinn stayed seated for a little while longer, and the priest was the first one to get out.

Her lesson of the day combined with that flash of wanting to kiss Rachel had made her come here. The stupid Rachel-thing was barely worth it, really. She'd never, ever felt anything like that toward the girl before and it was just a split-second thought. It didn't come from anywhere. It was just that, Quinn had learned not to ignore red signs, no matter how insignificant they may seem at the moment.

But she'd been granted absolution. She would never have a thought like that _ever _again. And she would try to make amends with her parents – no matter how much she _didn't _feel like it.

Oh, and she'd be working at the homeless shelter. Well, sometimes it was good to give back, right? It really wasn't that bad.

She felt like a weight had lifted from her heart. Like right then and there, all her wrongs truly didn't matter anymore. She just wished she would never _ever _sin again, so she could always feel like this.


	7. Robert Bly

**AN: I am now rethinking my decision to start up a new story right before exam week - which I'm in the middle of right now - but, summer vacation around the corner, with promises of frequent updates! For now, it is one step forward, and we'll be moving forward for a little while now! Houston, we have a friendship! Huzzah! Until vacation, hang in there, keep on reviewing - because there's nothing to get a writer going like a review, and I'm genuinely interested in your opinions - and enjoy the chapter :)**

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><p>Quinn felt strangely nervous when she woke up the next morning. It was Saturday, and she was going to help at the shelter that afternoon. Yesterday had been kind of a rebirth moment for her, but now she felt the pressure not to slip up again. She felt like she couldn't afford any more mistakes. Especially not this soon.<p>

The moment that she picked up her book felt kind of official to her. She took a deep breath, and before she had even read the advice, she made a promise to herself to truly follow it to her very best that day.

Yes, Robert Bly was going to help her and she was going to let him do that by following the advice he had written down in the… Iron John.

"The Iron John is an ancient story," Quinn read aloud in a quiet voice, trying to soak up the words, "about a prince who is playing with a golden ball when it rolls into a cage where a wild man is imprisoned. The boy makes a deal to get his ball back, but only after he has released the hairy man. This deal marks the beginning of the boy's manhood. He is willing to separate himself from his parents to make this deal so he can get retrieve his golden ball (that alive feeling of youth) through discovering his masculine energy."

And Quinn's lesson in a nutshell was: "Through old stories we can resurrect the ancient and deep power of the masculine."

_The masculine? I don't think that this lesson is meant for me…_

Quinn felt the urge to flip through the pages again, and find the next chapter. This _couldn't _be meant for her. She was anything but masculine, perhaps the girliest girl in Lima, and she had to learn about the ancient power of the masculine?

That was bullshit. Most guys she knew weren't even that masculine anymore. And when they were, it only made for trouble. She thought about Kurt, who was girlier than many other girls in Glee, and about Finn, who had felt the most masculine urge to punch Jesse and ruin Prom.

She thought about Puck, who thought being a real man revolved around playing video games and drinking beer, and sometimes, like Finn, getting in a fight. All of these things were decidedly unattractive to Quinn. She didn't want to _be _masculine. She was a normal girl, not some kind of butch lesbian.

_Although, maybe it would be good for me. Just for one day, find out what it would be like to be the tough one._

She'd be working at a homeless shelter today. Nobody would probably even know. She could be manly. She was Quinn Fabray, she could be anything she wanted to be. And men were stronger, maybe she could be strong today and help even more at the shelter.

She hung away the sun dress that she had picked out to wear before going to sleep, and dove into her closet to find something less girly to wear. Jeans were good. Gender neutral, looked good on everyone and it was easy to find something that looked good with them.

Converse were also good. Guys could wear converse, but girls just as well. She had a pair of black converse lying around somewhere.

But her shirts, that would be a little bit harder. Did she have anything that could pass for even slightly non-girly? Everything she owned had either a girly color, a girly print, or it was so tight that it accentuated every girly shape she had.

"Bingo," Quinn whispered when she found the plaid shirt she had worn for Glee's My Chemical Romance adventure. She looked good in plaid. It wasn't girly. If she was going to do this, she damned well was going to commit to it.

She threw the shirt over her head and pulled her hair in a loose ponytail. There. Masculine, but still Quinn Fabray.

_I can so do this._

She walked down stairs and couldn't help the smug grin on her face. Her example when it came to masculinity was mostly Puck (and the guy from the Old Spice commercial, who was also Puck's example) because it was him that Quinn rolled her eyes most at, thinking: _Why must he be such a guy about everything?_

Puck usually looked all too pleased with himself and his masculinity. Because Puck was kind of a badass. And if Quinn was going to act like a guy, she was going to be a badass.

At the last moment, Quinn decided to throw the book into her bag. She'd probably have a couple of breaks at work, and maybe she could read one of the actual chapters instead of just the in-a-nutshells for a change.

"Goodmorning, Quinn!"

A sure-fire way to make Quinn's smile melt from her face. Judy Fabray, clutching a cup of coffee, in their kitchen.

"Hi, mom."

_Make amends with your parents. Trust your mother._

"What are you wearing?" Her mother asked wide-eyed.

"I'm going to work at the homeless shelter this weekend," Quinn said, like it was answering her mother's question.

She felt her mother's eyes on her as she made herself a bowl of cornflakes. She sat down across her mother, who was still watching her from the other side of the kitchen table.

"Why are you working at the shelter this weekend?"

"I needed to do something good," Quinn said. This wasn't a real lie.

Her mother frowned at her, though, before looking Quinn up and down again. Her eyes rested on the plaid shirt for a few seconds before meeting her daughter's hazel eyes.

"Quinnie, I have been wanting to talk to you for a little while now."

_Don't run away. Trust her._

"About what?" Quinn said after taking a deep breath.

"About you. You don't seem happy, and you're not acting like yourself. For instance, take what you're wearing right now."

"This? This is nothing. You shouldn't think that it is."

"And I haven't heard you talk about boys for while either. Ever since you broke up with Finn, you haven't mentioned one. Usually, you always had a new boyfriend or at least someone new in your life within 2 weeks…"

"Mom! Maybe I don't need boys right now. Maybe I just want to focus on other things," Quinn said defiantly.

"Sweetie, please, tell me what's going on."

"Nothing is going on, mom! I'm fine, I just quit Glee because I wanted to be a Cheerio and so what if I don't have a boy in my life right now? It's not like I need one anyway. I don't need a boy, I can be strong and independent all on my own. I'll be my own guy if I need one."

She still wasn't lying, and Quinn felt a little proud with herself. No, she wasn't telling her mother her darkest and deepest secrets yet, but she was really trying to stop following her instincts to lie at the other woman. She quit Glee because she wanted to join the Cheerios, and she really wasn't focused on boys at the moment. And her lesson of the day was in there too – she could be masculine if she needed masculinity.

She hadn't told a lie yet.

"I do have to go now," Quinn said in a quiet voice.

As she rose from her chair, her mother did the same thing across from her.

"Quinn, wait."  
>"What is it, mom?"<p>

"Are you a lesbian?"

Quinn's eyebrows shot straight into her hairline and she couldn't suppress the sudden urge to laugh. She may have sounded like a maniac, but that was just because it was such a ri-di-cu-lous question.

"Why would you even ask that?"

"You are done with boys, you're wearing plaid, you don't act like yourself but you're nervous around me and look like you're hiding something. I can see that you are going through something, sweetie, and I thought maybe you just…" her voice trailed off, but she kept on looking into her daughter's eyes.

"That I was gay," Quinn said in a flat voice.

"Are you?"

"Of course not."

Judy took a deep breath, but her facial expression barely changed.

"I'm gonna go now," Quinn said, as the silence stretched out into awkwardness.

She grabbed her iPod from the table and stuffed it into her pocket before quickly leaving her home. When she was outside, she heaved a deep sigh. Her head felt bombarded while thoughts about Rachel – Rachel giving her a spiritual massage, Rachel leaving her with a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, Rachel's lips as Quinn was looking at them, wanting to kiss them, barely a day before—and Quinn squeezed her eyes shut.

She'd been doing pretty well for the rest of the conversation. Why did her last statement make her feel like a liar anyway?

When Quinn walked to her car, she suddenly thought that riding her bike seemed like the masculine thing to do. Moving around on a bike was to her manlier than driving a car, probably due to the whole physical movement thing. Suddenly, it seemed like an awesome plan to Quinn. Until she remembered that she didn't own a bike anymore, and that she hadn't for several years. She had her first one, on which she learned to ride a bike, she had her second one, in middle school, but after she got her car she'd sold her bike.

However, maybe her father hadn't taken his bike with him. He never really valued it all that much.

After opening the garage and finding her dad's old bike, Quinn couldn't help but smile. She still didn't know why, but for some reason, taking the bike seemed badass today and totally like the best idea ever.

She parked her bike outside the homeless shelter, and resisted the urge to redo her sloppy ponytail. A guy wouldn't have.

"Hi!" Quinn said after walking in. "I'm here to see if you need any volunteers this weekend. Is there anything I can do today and tomorrow?"

"Well, we can always use an extra hand," a man in his early fifties answered her. "Is this your first time?"

"It is, yeah. What can I do?"

"Well, you can help by standing here and handing out food. It's now… 10.30, they usually start pouring in from noon, really, but you can help set things up already. What's your name?"

"Quinn Fabray."

He added her name to a large list.

"And how old are you?"

"I'm 17."

He looked up at her. "17? Seriously? I would have estimated you early twenties! Do you go to McKinley?"

"Yes, I do," Quinn replied hesitantly. "Why?"

"Well, then I can pair you up with a schoolmate!" He said with a wide smile. "We have a very loyal regular here who goes to McKinley. You can put you together."

"That's not necessary, you know," Quinn said.

"Oh, it's really not a problem. I'm sure she'll be here soon, she's usually the first and always at least an hour early. She'll help you set things up and can show you your way around. She can be here any minute."

This person sounded awfully familiar already. Quinn closed her eyes when she heard the door open and slam shut behind her.

"Sorry I'm late," Rachel said. "I make it a point to be here at 10:30 at the latest each week, but I'm afraid I got hold up by my fathers. I-" the girl paused, still 2 steps behind a frozen Quinn.

"I'm not the first one here," Rachel said, sounding not too happy about it.

"Rach, it's fine. This is Quinn, she goes to McKinley too. She's coming to help out today and tomorrow."

"Quinn?" Rachel said incredulously. Quinn turned around and waited as Rachel's eyes flew over her outfit.

"Hi, Rachel."

_Again? AGAIN? What does her life look like? Spiritual crap and volunteering? That's not normal, is it?_

"I see you're wearing a very Gleeful outfit," Rachel said.

"Yeah… I thought it might be practical."

"I'll show you around," Rachel said. "I take it you have brought protective gloves?"

"Protective gloves…"

"Of course you haven't," Rachel muttered, rolling her eyes. "Have you at least brought an elastic band so you can put your hair in a ponytail, or was even that level of preparation too much for you to muster?"

Okay, she knew Rachel could be forward sometimes but this was just _rude._

"Rachel, if you're upset I ran out on you yesterday-"

"Why would I be upset about that, Quinn? I don't care, I promise you, it's your concern when to run out on who. Put your hair in a ponytail and follow me, please."

Rachel walked away and Quinn found herself quickly tying her hair back in a sloppy bun, so that the ends of it tickled her neck. She muttered an irritated curse under her breath and followed Rachel behind the counter.

"You will be standing behind the counter with me. We will be handing out food, usually soup, bread and hot meals. Behind us is the kitchen, they'll just keep the food coming and we will just keep handing it out."

"Okay, I can do that."

"We usually finish around 5 and then it's still about an hour to clean up. Of course, you can leave me to do that, since I'm used to doing it on my own."

"I said I was going to help the whole day…"

"Your choice. We have lunch break at 1, and I hoped you had breakfast because otherwise you will be starving at 11. Quinn, I must stress that if you are rude to one of the people who come here, I will ask you to leave at once. I will not allow you to make fun of poor Patches, or anyone else for that matter."

"I get it. I wasn't going to." Quinn's irritation was bubbling beneath the surface. She really wasn't liking Rachel's attitude.

"Fine. They usually start coming in from 12, so we still have an hour. We're going to help out in the kitchen by cutting bread, alright? Or at least I'm going to."

"Fine," Quinn said, rolling her eyes but following Rachel into the kitchen. Rachel handed Quinn an apron before putting one on herself.

There was tense silence while Rachel kept her eyes downcast and Quinn pursed her lips, preparing basket after basket of bread.

"You know, you could tone it down with the attitude," Quinn said.

Rachel's nostrils flared.

"Quinn, I'm honestly surprised that you take offense in it. Don't we have a history of going in the direction of a friendship before you give me the cold shoulder? We have had our moments, and they were numerous! You would talk to me, and tell me very personal things about yourself, only to throw a slushie or insult me the next day."

"I don't do that," Quinn said, in automatic defense.

"Yes, you do. You've done it actually quite often already. And…" Rachel put down her knife with a loud smack. Quinn was shocked to see that the other girls eyes were accusing her fiercely. Then her words followed.

"You _know _that I don't have many good friends. You are partly responsible for it, even. I know my abrasive personality is a lot to take and that it isn't for everyone, but if you hadn't made it your personal goal to make me the least popular person in school, I'm sure more people would have taken to me. Now, I am blessed to have struck up a friendship with Mercedes, Kurt and Blaine, but I don't have a best friend like so many others do. And so you keep hurting me, giving me hope by offering a friendship only to retract your offer the next day."

This was _so _exactly what Quinn didn't need. Not now. Not after a confusing week in which she had had dubious thoughts about the other girl. Not at _this _fragile point in her life. But Quinn had learned a little from her lessons; she knew that she wanted to be a better person. And she _knew_, hypothetically, what the best course of action was. The only problem now was doing it.

She covered Rachel's hand with her own, and used her other to pry the large knife loose from the fingertips crammed around it. Rachel's eyes were downcast, and Quinn had a feeling that they might be brimming with tears at the very moment. She found that Rachel's emotions were making her emotional as well, but she swallowed her feelings down partially. She tried to keep just enough in her voice to convince Rachel of her honesty. To convince her, that Quinn was genuine.

"I'm sorry."

Rachel looked at her in a little bit of shock first, and then said in a choked voice: "Again. More."

"What?"

"Quinn, you are offering me the words I've been waiting for. You know how many times I have imagined a popular person who made my life hell giving me a genuine apology? Noah gave me one, but to have _you _do it is so much better, and more like I imagined it. Now that the moment is here, I want it done well. So talk more."

_God, she won't make this easier for me, will she?_

"I'm sorry for hurting you, and for throwing slushies at you and calling you names and stuff. And I'm sorry for being a bitch when you were trying to be nice. Yeah, you can be super annoying and rude and abrasive and selfish, but still, you didn't deserve that."

"And now?" Rachel asked, her voice growing stronger every time she opened her mouth.

"Now I won't do that again." Quinn paused, but Rachel still was looking at her expectantly.

"Not ever." _She's still looking._

"And I'll try to be your friend."

"Try?"

"Will. I will be your friend from now on."

Rachel beamed and suddenly the tears seemed replaced by all beams and smiles and Quinn was left wondering where they'd gone. It felt a little bit nice to be the cause of a smile for once, instead of tears, but still.

_How the hell did she manage to pity a friendship out of me while I was dead set on avoiding her? Is this how my boyfriends feel when she winds them around her finger?_

"I'm going to hug you now."

_Oh shit. _Right, that was the way Rachel settled things. She wanted to protest, but the other girl was already moving towards her.

Rachel hugged her, and Quinn hugged her back. It was short and sweet, and Rachel's hair smelled nice, and the hug felt generally nice, even though it was strange for Quinn – she wasn't really used to hugging people smaller than her. It reminded her about being the guy for a day.

"I think we'll be able to get through the day now," Rachel said, still smiling.

Quinn began, of course, by messing up a lot. She handed the wrong things, dropped plates, put things away in the wrong places and generally was more of a burden than a help for Rachel. However, pretty soon they got into a rhythm and found themselves forming the team they needed to be for the moment.

The whole day was filled with pleasant conversation and a little bit of friendly banter. Rachel brought Quinn in excruciating detail up to date with what had been happening at Glee club, talking about songs, competitions, Mr. Shue's return to wanting to impress Ms. Pillsbury and the fact that both Mercedes and Tina were stepping up to get more solos.

Quinn was careful. She'd realized that something was changing inside of her. She'd had _thoughts _about Rachel and it scared her to death. Her mother had noticed something, otherwise she wouldn't have put Quinn on the spot that morning about it. The blonde found herself very carefully avoiding any direction her thoughts could take that she didn't like. It wasn't all that easy, but she could manage.

She insisted on doing all the heavy lifting. The big packages that contained their food supplies, the large stacks of plates, everything. In her mind, she still was thinking about feeling masculine; trying to be tough.

The time flew by, and before Quinn knew it, they were cleaning up. The owner had left already, because as it turned out, Rachel had a key to lock up. So Quinn and Rachel were left to clean things up, while discussing if Mr. Shue's most inappropriate performances were because of the dance moves or the rapping.

"I swear, didn't he smack you on your butt one time?" Rachel said. "It's the dance moves. Just remember Toxic, I mean, his moves made everyone go crazy. Lauren Zizes wanted his baby, I think."

"But that was all of our moves," Quinn said. "We were all being pretty hot and totally inappropriate. But the rapping! Ice Ice Baby might be one of the worst songs we've ever done. I don't think he should ever, ever rap again!" Quinn said, laughing.

"I'm dating Finn."

Quinn paused, while she felt her heart drop and ignored it. She tried to lean casually on one of the tables, but in doing so threw an empty glass on the ground.

"I should have told you-" Rachel started.

"It's no big deal," Quinn said. "Really. I saw it coming. He even told me he broke up with me to try to get back with you."

She saw Rachel trying to reach for the duster and stopped the other girl.

"I'll get it."

She noticed Rachel straightening her apron from the corner of her eyes.

"Quinn, have you been changing lately? Or trying to change?"

Carefully, as not to drop it on the other girl's head, Quinn took the duster from the top shelf of the cabinet, and put it on the counter.

"Maybe I have, maybe I haven't."

"It's just, you coming here, dressing differently, and to the temple, and joining the Cheerio's, and now being friends with me, and even not caring about me getting back together with Finn…"

_Who said anything about not caring?_

"It's just, not things you would have done before. So therefore, I am to conclude that you are either changing or really trying to change. And as your friend, I'd like to know which one it is and to what purpose so I can help you fulfill your goal!"

"I'm trying to see what it feels to be a little less feminine today," Quinn said, not remembering that she'd made a conscious decision about telling Rachel anything. "I am trying to change. I've been trying things a lot, lately."

"Well, Quinn, you are a decidedly feminine person. I gather that this must be hard for you. Are you going through an identity crisis, or a sexuality crisis?"

_Why the hell does everybody suddenly think I'm gay?_

"No! I'm just, like, trying some new stuff. To see how it fits."

"And how does this fit, then?"

"I don't know. I don't think it's really me."

Rachel, who had busied herself with sweeping up the broken glass while Quinn was putting the chairs on the tables, threw her dustpan's contents into the garbage can, and said:

"Well, if you'd like to, you can come over sometime to do guy stuff. Finn has been watching a lot of action movies with me lately."

"I… thanks, but this is just for today."

"Oh…" Rachel's voice was colored by curiosity, but Quinn definitely didn't want to go there yet.

"Well," she said, "I'd ask you to come over right now, but I have a date with Finn."

"Oh." Quinn said, continuing with putting more chairs on more tables. "What are you going to do with him?"

"I don't know… just, hang out, maybe watch a movie."

_Watch Finn play a video game and make out._

"Yeah, of course." Quinn felt a small flash of disappointment, even though it had been Rachel's idea in the first place.

They finished up, and Rachel locked the place up. It was weird going home, even knowing that she was going to spend the most of Sunday with Rachel as well.

"Do you want a lift?" Quinn asked, almost out of habit, watching Rachel fiddle around with the keys.

"I'd love to."

"So," Quinn said, carefully planning out her words. "now I'm doing all this thinking about good guys, and I really don't know what to think. Maybe you can help me out a little here. I mean, just, like… what do you look for in a guy?"

"Well, he needs to be taller than me. Though, he doesn't have to be as tall as Finn."

Quinn nodded, smiling.

"Musically gifted. I find that I'm easily attracted to a boy with a talented voice. The leading man potential is definitely what I search for. Also," Rachel said, "he must have a gentle side. I need to be able to talk about my feelings in an open and honest relationship, so he needs to be in contact with his feelings too. Chivalry is always a good thing, and finally and most importantly…" the silence stretched on as they walked to the parking lot.

"I need him to accept me, fully and truly, and to love me unconditionally in spite of all my flaws."

"And Finn does all that?"

"Well, not yet, no," Rachel admitted, "But he'll have time to grow up."

"But you won't be there with him anymore, then. Finn isn't going to New York, Rachel."

"He might be," Rachel said. "Who knows. But graduation is still almost a year away, and I am sure that Finn and I will cross that bridge when we come to it. Of course, Finn isn't perfect, but he loves me for who I am. That is what's important."

_Should I argue with her about this?_

But then her attention is suddenly taken off the subject.

"Shit!"

"What is it?" Rachel asked, in a panicky voice.

"My car isn't- Oh."

"What, Quinn? WHAT?"

"I took the bike today... Which would be a lot less comfortable for you."

"Is your offer still standing?"

"Of course... If you want to."

"It's a mountain bike, so you'll have to sit on the tube."

"I've never done that before," Rachel admits. "But my several years of dance training have given me excellent balance."

"We're about to find out if that statement is true," Quinn said, unlocking the bike. She sat down on the saddle, put one hand on the handlebar and waited.

Rachel looked only slightly hesitant, for a split second, before making herself as comfortable as possible on the top tube.

Quinn closed her arms around her, and felt surprisingly butch, but in a kind of good way.

She leaned forward, and said softly in Rachel's ear: "I've never done this before either," before pedaling away.

Quinn knew that if they were going to fall, it damn well wasn't going to be _her _fault. Being at the very top of the pyramid does wonders for your fear of heights and for your balance. Quinn could remember Cheerio camps in which she had to stand on the top of the pyramid, balancing a book on her head and juggling rotten fruit. While smiling, of course.

Rachel was caught between her arms, her long hair waving in the wind and occasionally blowing straight into Quinn's face, blocking her sight. Not that that mattered. She was more distracted by the slight pressure of Rachel's curves against her arms, or the illusion of heat rolling off Rachel's body.

"I'm glad we're friends now, Quinn. It feels like it's right."

Quinn is shaken from her focus for a slight second. Her hand slips a little, she almost loses her balance for not even a second and Rachel has a small panic attack. Quinn controls the bike again within a matter of moments, scrapes her throat and says, pretty loudly so Rachel can hear her above her panting:

"Yeah, it's good."

Rachel sits still like a statue for the rest of the short trip, until she says:

"Make a left here, this is my street."

"Already?"

"I live close by."

Rachel directed Quinn to her house, and when they stopped, Quinn felt sad. Sure, this was just the beginning, but she still felt like she hadn't done everything the way she should have. _And _she had barely done anything about her lesson today.

_Come on Rachel, hug me. I can tell that you want to._

Rachel hesitated before walking to her front door, and smiled at Quinn.

"See you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Quinn said. Rachel stayed still for another few seconds.

_Come on. Come on!_

Rachel moved forward and wrapped her arms around Quinn's neck, before pulling away quickly and saying: "Have a good night, Quinn."

Quinn waved when Rachel reached the door before driving away. She was definitely feeling _something _unusual. Even after going to church. Even doing penance. Even though she desperately didn't want to.

Quinn threw her coat over a chair before already making her way to the staircase before she spotted her mother on the couch. The woman gave her a small smile.

_She's trying. I'm the one who keeps walking away._

Quinn thought about parents, parents that she knew, parents that she saw around her. Mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, families. She looked down at her outfit, and suddenly the time Kurt's dad was in the hospital came to her mind. She really should start treasuring her mother more.

And maybe a father-son activity would suit them better right now than a mother-daughter one.

Which was why she turned back, searched around the living room cabinets until she'd found a ball, and said to her mother:

"Let's play catch."

They didn't talk about anything important. They didn't talk that much at all, really. There was music coming from a house near them, and after a while it was getting dark. But it wasn't all that awkward anymore, and Quinn went to bed feeling good about herself, for taking a step in the right direction.


End file.
